Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 13, 2018

I’ve been putting off writing this one for a while, because mental health isn’t my favorite subject.

 

If you know me, you know that I don’t know that I don’t hide the fact that I deal with anxiety and depression. I try not to let it show, but it’s something I struggle with. I usually don’t say much about it, because I hate talking about it, but I feel like right now it’s something that needs to be discussed. I don’t hate talking about it because I’m ashamed of it, I hate talking about it because I hate dealing with it.

It’s not like it was years ago, when I was looking for a way out. It’s not like it was years ago, when I was too afraid to speak up about anything. Well, it is and it isn’t. At least now I fight back. I fight against the demons and voices saying it’s better to give up. I fight against the mentality that I’m a waste of space, and that no one wants me around. I fight against the feelings of not wanting to wake up anymore. I fight like hell to come out on the other side, and see better days.

However, I still have my days.

I still have days when getting out of bed feels like the toughest thing in the world. I still have days when I cower in the corner, because I’m thinking too hard about the 40 million things could go wrong, instead of the things that could go right. I over think most of the choices I make. I still have days when I lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry for no reason and find it extremely hard to breathe.  I still have days when I am incredibly sad for no reason.

No, I’m not cutting or burning my wrists anymore, but there are definitely days that I want to. No, I’ not taking 8-10 aspirin and hoping that I don’t wake up, but I have days where I feel like being run over by a car or train wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. Yes, I will defend myself in situations where people are blatantly screwing me over and being shitty, but I still spend the next 4 months thinking that it probably was my fault and I’m being too hard on the person.  Just because you’re better now than before, doesn’t mean that you’re ‘fixed’.

I always force myself to remember all the progress that I’ve made, and that if I had checked out when I wanted to, I would’ve missed out on so many of the wonderful people and things that I have in my life now. I am truly 100% grateful for every person I have in my life now, and I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. However, I also feel like a burden to them and that I’m weighing them down. I don’t want to tell them about my bad days, because I don’t want to bother them.

I also know that if I don’t tell them, they’ll be worried about me all day and I feel even worse. All of this to say that I have good days and bad days. My mental illness is very real, and I’m handling it the best that I can. I’m not ashamed of it, because it’s apart of who I am. That’s not to say that I don’t hate every minute of it. Why do I bring this up? Because too many people are ashamed of it, and too many people still think depression and anxiety are an excuse to not do or deal with anything.

For those of you struggling, you’re not alone and speak up. This isn’t something you have to do alone, and you shouldn’t have to. Always know that you’re not alone in the way that you feel, and there’s always help available. You don’t have to be brave and happy all the time. You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to not be okay. Anyone who makes you feel lesser, is someone who shouldn’t be in your life. You matter and you have a purpose. People need you here and they want you to stay. It’s a cliché, but just give it time. Give yourself time, get help, and fight like hell. You are someone’s reason to smile. Please don’t quit.

For those of you who put others down who struggle with mental illness, how the hell dare you? What right do you have? Because you don’t understand it, it isn’t real? You’re apart of the problem. You can’t blame everything on laziness. I stopped participating in school because I just couldn’t anymore. I would’ve loved to graduate with all my friend and NOT stay back a grade. However, everything felt like it was too much and I constantly felt the world caving in. I had no will to live, let alone do an assignment about molecules. Not everything can be solved by washing your damn face and drinking some tea. Sometimes people don’t want to go out and eat ice cream with friends.

Sometimes you just want to sit in your room and cry. Other times you just want to be left the hell alone. The simplest tasks seem impossible or just entirely too scary. You don’t get to belittle someone because you don’t get it. Get active and see how you can help. Sometimes just being there is enough. However, this idea that anxiety and depression aren’t real, needs to stop existing because they’re very much real. Mental illness is very much a real thing. Chris Cornell, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Chester Bennington, Marilyn Monroe, Don Cornelius, Phylis Hyman, and so many others. Everyone thought they “got better” or that they were “so happy”, because of their fame and money.

Mental Illness doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t matter your wealth or social status. Reach out, listen, and be understanding. We’re all fighting for a better tomorrow, and we can start by helping each other.

“And if you believe that the sun will rise, stand alone and greet the coming night, in the last remaining light”

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

For texting, text Connect to 741741

 

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Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 1, 2018

I’m back. Took a little bit, but I’m back.

I really hate admitting that I miss people. I hate letting myself be vulnerable to that emotion. Letting that wall down and showing the softer side of myself, that I let VERY few people see. Even when I tell my boyfriend that I miss him, it goes something along the lines of “I really miss you, and it’s really fucking annoying”. If you miss someone or let someone know, it shows that they have a bit of your heart. They take up more space in it than you’re probably willing to admit. They’ve become apart of you.

I especially hate admitting that I miss people I’m no longer friends with. That’s probably the theme this year. Friends. (I don’t think this blog has ever had a theme, but for now it does.) I guess it’s because I’m getting older. I turn 25 this year and while I’m not old enough to write about my life’s great journey’s, I’ve been through a lot and have had my fair share of hardships. The older I get, the more I realize how much I rarely let anyone in. It’s safer that way. Hell, it took 6 years for me to decide that getting a boyfriend wouldn’t be suicide. I’m closed off to the world and I like it that way.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I push people away to see if they’ll really stick it out. I’m no day at the beach, and I can make shit complicated. Not on purpose, but I am human and I fuck up. However, I also have a high amount of patience, and if I cut you off, it’s on you. But back to that human flaw we all have. I still find myself thinking on times I’ve spent with them, and how much fun that was shared. I don’t ever miss ex-boyfriends, but I constantly find myself missing ex-friends. It’s complicated, but I guess it’s also not.

I often find myself wanting to reach out to them, seeing how they are, and hoping that the best things are happening for them. Do they have the dream job they wanted? Are they happy? Do they need support? Do they need a hug? All of these questions and so many more flood my brain, and I almost do it. I almost call or text them. I almost take the wall down and offer the olive branch. But then I remember. I remember the fight that took place to end the friendship.

I remember the tears, the feeling of emptiness and feeling alone, I remember feeling small and like I never mattered. I remember and I put the phone down. Then I get mad because I still miss them, and I shouldn’t. They probably aren’t thinking about me, they probably don’t care, and they’re probably doing just fine. I don’t need to pry open a door that was slammed shut. I put the wall back up and go on with my day, knowing that this moment will happen again at some point.

I make this post to say, don’t be like me. If you miss someone, let them know. Especially, if it keeps you up, or it’s constantly on your mind. Now, don’t get me wrong. They’re definitely those people who you need to shut out of your life for good. If they’ve done an unforgivable thing, keep that head up and keep it moving. I’m talking about the stupid fights. The fights that can be resolved if both sides would have cooler heads and hear each other out. A stupid fight is not worth missing out on someone who meant the world to you at one point. Not to be a total cliché, but life is too short. Make amends while you can, try to move on. At least try to have closure or reach a resolution. Maybe one day I’ll take my own damn advice, but as previously stated: I’m human and I fuck up sometimes.

Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 28, 2018

Hey, I’m still here and existing. Sorry about that delay in the program.

It’s a little difficult for me to write this, because I’m not entirely sure what to say here. I feel like they’re a million things that need to be said, but where on earth do I begin? I stayed away for so long, for numerous reasons. Part of it being because I just couldn’t find the energy or desire to. I couldn’t find the desire to do anything for a while. My passion for the things that I love kinda just dulled out for a little bit. The fact that I was even going to work still amazes me.

Another reason is that I’m just not sure what to say. They’re so many things that I want to write about and discuss, but where do I start? How do I begin? So much has happened between the real world and my own life that I was kind of at a crossroads. However, I think we should make this post personal and just work our way up from there, okay? Glad you agree.

This past weekend I celebrated my 6 month anniversary with my amazing boyfriend. 6 months. 6 months ago I had been single for 6 years, and didn’t really want a boyfriend anymore. I still wanted certain things that came with having a boyfriend, but for all intents and purposes, I didn’t actually want a boyfriend. I had, had my heart-broken too many times to count, and I was content with watching all my friends being in their happy relationships. One day, someone was truly interested in me and all the nonsense that came with me, and I haven’t been happier.

However, six years is a long time to be single, and I came to find that a lot of my friends had gotten use to not sharing me.

I was told “well, you got a boyfriend so I stayed away” and “you’re never free to do anything anymore”. They were right. I never told anyone to stay away, they did that on their own. I’m not free to do anything last-minute, but I’m still able to hang out if you tell me in advance. At first I felt extremely guilty, like I had done something to shut people out, and this was all my fault. Then my best friend started to rearrange her schedule (slightly), so that me and her can still go out and hang out. She got that last minute plans were no longer going to work, so if she wanted me to go somewhere with me on the weekend, she would give me a heads up. Another one of my closest friends did the same thing.

That’s when I realized, it’s not actually me. If I’m still answering texts and calls the same way, how can this be my fault?  If I’m still willing to move things around in my life to accommodate others, did I really change that much because I now have a boyfriend? It wasn’t on me, it was on them.

My happiness was conflicting with their plans, and it was an inconvenience for them. Once my tiny brain figured this out, it only took 4 months, I started to separate myself from these people.  You can’t preach that you want someone to be happy, and then start complaining when they finally are, because it doesn’t fit with your schedule. Life happens, things change, and you learn to adjust.

People like this aren’t actually interested in your happiness. They’re interested in what works best for them. You can’t let people like this in your life. You can’t let them control your happiness. You have to do what works best for you, and if you’re going down a healthy and positive path, pay no mind to the negativity. Life is full of crazy twists and turns, and if you find someone who will to take on all those twists and turns, that’s the one you should be with.

This is not me saying that your happiness, whatever it may be, will last forever. This is me saying that, if you find something that makes your heart full of joy and your steps in life lighter, you should stay with that happiness as long as possible.

That’s all for now, lets see if I can get better at this whole blogging thing.

Posted in Uncategorized

October 8, 2017

Hey kids, remember me? The loser with a blog who barely updates anymore? I’m back.

A few months ago I was faced with the challenge of sharing my world with someone and it freaked me out. Why did it freak me out? Cause I’d be sharing it in the romantic sense, and I hadn’t done that shit in 6 years. 

The thought terrified me, but instead of running away as usual, I decided to test it day by day. That’s where people get everything wrong, in my opinion. They take gigantic leaps instead of just taking it day by day. And hey! I totally get it! Everything is super exciting and it feels like it’ll last forever, so why not?

The why not is it might not last forever. Things happen, people change, and that’s life. There’s nothing you can do. So, baby steps aren’t the worst idea. Not everyone you meet has to be “the one.” Sometimes people are only in your life for a season and that’s fine. It has to be fine because that’s how you learn.

So, take it day by day. Get to really know a person. The ups and downs: see how it pans out. Don’t ignore your partner’s bullshit because of all of the things you want. It’ll change your life in the best way. 

I don’t have much so that’s it for now.

P.S. sharing my life has so far been the best choice I’ve made in a while 💕

Posted in Journal, Music

August 22, 2017

Hi y’all. Here we go. 

I was born September 5th, 1993. Kurt Cobain was still alive and grunge music was all the rage. I had no knowledge of drugs, alcoholism, rehab, anger, anxiety, and depression. All I knew was how smile, laugh, and occasionally poop.

Then came the pre-teen years. I felt a lot of things and all of them I couldn’t explain. I was constantly shy, pulling my hair out, and frustrated. I felt misunderstood and alone. I felt hurt. But oh how I tried. I tried to be happy, blend in, and pretend that nothing was bothering me. It didn’t matter all the hell I was dealing with at home; I was a Christian with a roof over my head and friends and family who loved me. 

Then I heard the song ‘Rooster’ by this band called Alice In Chains. I didn’t much understand the meaning of the lyrics, but I knew I liked the song and I wanted to hear it a lot. Then came Nirvana. Everything changed. 

It took a while before I heard Alice In Chains again, but when I did, it was ‘Down in a Hole’. I was older and the lyrics hit harder. I loved the singer, I loved the music, and I loved the song. I needed to hear more. Of course, no one in my family knew who they were. I brought up the song about a rooster that wouldn’t die, and they all thought I was talking about an immortal rooster. I was annoyed to say the least.

It took some time before I found about Layne. That not only was he an amazing singer and writer, but also a troubled soul. All the hell that he went through, and at the end of the day, all he wanted was to help people out of the darkness that he couldn’t get himself out of. 

Layne passed away on April 5, 2002. Eight years to the day after Kurt Cobain. Both of them were vocal about their struggles with their depression, drug use, and pain. They both were also vocal about trying to stop others from going down the same road they did.

I obviously didn’t know Layne personally, but I’ve seen the videos and heard the stories. He was a sweet man, had a big heart, hated Nazis, had compassion, and wanted to leave the world a little better than he left it. He would’ve been 50 today. Thank you Layne. Thank you for your sense of humor, your wise words, your art, and just letting us get to know you for the little time that we had with you.

I hope you’re with Mike, Kurt, Chris, and Andrew now. Resting easy and rocking out. You were my first piece of light in tunnel filled with darkness. You helped keep me on the straight and narrow when all I wanted to do was quit. The more I learn about you, the more I wish I would’ve gotten a chance to meet you and thank you in person. 

You will always live on in your lyrics, our hearts, and the many wonderful memories you created. 

Happy 50th Birthday, Mr. Man
“My bad habits aren’t my title. My strengths and my talents are my title” 

Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life

July 20, 2017

Hey all. I’m breathing.

Today’s post was supposed to be in honor of Chris Cornell since today is his 53rd birthday…but then Chester. 

I’ve been trying to find words for the both of them all day and I just can’t. It doesn’t make sense and it hurts so much. How are you supposed to feel when people who helped you fight your own demons, couldn’t defeat theirs?

I remember crying in my room to Linkin Park and just praying for a better tomorrow, but also being happy that there was someone out there who understood. When Mike and Chester rap and sang it felt like they knew my pain. They were relating to my problems and reaching out. Soundgarden was from the 90’s and we made their songs our own. Linkin Park’s songs were our song. They are our generation. 

Soundgarden let me know that I’m not the only person who struggles with day to day insecurities and anxieties and I’m not the only person who has those thoughts. They, along with Nirvana and Alice In Chains, introduced me to a world of people who find finally understood and accepted me. I could listen and sing along to those songs and feel normal. I didn’t feel like the freak that the outside world made me think I was. 

With Linkin Park Chester sang and screamed about everything that I was too afraid or ashamed to talk about. Middle School is hard enough on it’s own, but throw in family problems and the constant want to throw yourself out of something made it ten times harder. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone or that anyone, besides my favorite bands, would understand. Linkin Park understood and they talked me off that ledge. 

Slowly I started to open up and get help. I was able to help others. I was able to find a positive to dig myself out of the depression and anxiety holes I would get myself into. I became more hopeful and I wanted more out of life, I started to realize that my life doesn’t have to just be pain and tears. There’s beauty in everything and that I could experience all of it. No matter how dark it got, there would always come a day when the light would shine again. 

Then one day I woke up and one of those lights went out. No one knows why and no one understands and it felt like someone had taken all of the air out of my lungs. I cried and cried, but I remembered his words and his songs and I started to feel myself come back to life again. Then, just as the wound started to heal, another light went out. Just as unexpected as the first. He was there, he was happy, and he was performing. Then he just wasn’t. They went the same way and that’s what hurts all the more. The second passed away on the first’s birthday so that’s an even bigger double whammy. 

This is gonna take time and it’s always going to hurt. I won’t ever be able to say this to them, but hopefully they’ll be able to read this. Thank you. Thank you for being my voice when I didn’t have one. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face when it had been gone for months. Thank you giving me a second family and a place to call home. You both helped me put the blades down and pick the pen up. You helped me find a voice and believe in myself. I am going to miss you forever and you’ll always live in my heart. I love you forever and I’m going to keep trying my best and living my life to the fullest.

Rest with the angels Chris and Chester 💕

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 1, 2017

I really was a lot better at this last year (posting regularly I mean).

I’m addicted to love and art, which I guess in a way are two of the same. I don’t think you can have one without the other. It seems impossible. No matter how dark and twisted they may seem, they are in one way or another beautiful. They open your heart and mind to different aspects of life and people. Whenever you meet or breakup with a person your views on everything change for the most part. The same with art. Whenever you listen to a new song, read a new book, or look a painting it touches some part of your soul. It may not be the happiest feeling but you look at things in a different way.

Maybe that’s why they’re my addiction. I love the light but can’t function without a bit of dark. Well, I could but life always has a different plan for me. They balance each other out and make the pain bearable. They make it worth while and mean something, and trust me you need the pain to mean something. Love is what keeps me going. It’s what makes me smile just as much as it makes me cry. I love with all that I have and I love to see people who are loved and in love. There’s no purer feeling and no better feeling (besides maybe a free cheeseburger and french fries from your favorite place).

The same with art. You can’t make art without passion. You won’t move a person if you don’t feel it. Whether a song takes me back to a dark time in my life or the best day of my life it takes me there. No money needed, no taxis or planes, and no hangover left afterwards. It’s like flying or being stabbed a million times (depending on which memory you’ve been taken to).

It’s helped me see the world (and all things in it) in a better light. It’s the energy that keeps me going and the force that drives me to do and want more. I have a bit of a spark left in me and I know that it can grow into a flame if I just keep working and trying. That spark is there because of all the art I see in people everyday and all the love that continues to flow from those I know and don’t know. Love and art are the most precious things that we have. Never take them for granted and might I suggest incorporating them in your everyday life? You may see a side of life and people who you never thought you could.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

April 11, 2017

Hey, remember me? Sometimes I post stuff on here. It’s been a while, but I’m finally back. This post is about myself and love. If neither of these things interest you, I suggest you keep scrolling.

I think my thing with love, or feelings in general, is that when I feel it I run with it 100%. Sometimes this causes me to be too forward, or sometimes if I feel like I’ll be too straight forward, I’ll withdraw myself. There’s no in-between and I usually screw myself over.

Which is probably why I don’t put as much effort in anymore and why I expect everything to fail. Because it always does. Guys either get too afraid or they think I’m not interested and at the end of the day I guess I can’t really blame them anymore, but at the same time I can. And maybe that’s why they stay away. When I’m hurt I try to stay away, but if you ask what’s wrong I go off. There’s no censor and I wouldn’t want there to be one even if I could manage it. I feel everything deeply and too much. It’s how I’ve always been.

Just because I’m telling you how I feel doesn’t mean I want you to say you feel the same. If you tell me you love me and don’t mean it, that’ll be ten times worse than me telling you I love you and saying you don’t love me back. I’d rather you just be up front. I’ll never ask you to do something you’re not ready for, and I never want you to say something you don’t mean. If you jump to that conclusion that’s your fault and I’ not sorry. When I care about you I will do anything for you, and when I love you I love you with all that I have.

I know I’m no walk in the park, but at the same end I’ll never ask for you to fix me. I just ask that you accept me as I am and to be patient with me as I work on myself. It’s a process and it’s tough, but it’s honest and that’s something I will always be. The only way I can think to end this post is to say that I’m not sorry, and while I’ trying to become better at everything, there are certain things that will just not change. I will continue to love and care with every inch of my being and, until someone gives me reason to believe otherwise, I will continue to believe that no one can handle that and eventually you’ll leave.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 23, 2017

Hello world.

This has been on my mind for quite some time and I think it’s finally time I post/talk about it.

I don’t hate republicans. I honestly don’t. I may not agree with a lot of what they stand for, but I also believe that there are those in the republican party who are fit to hold office.Just because you don’t believe in every aspect of a person doesn’t believe you can’t believe in some of what they stand for. I get it. I honestly do.

There’s the “American way” or just trying to make America economically stable again. I honestly do get it. However, Trump does not fit in to that picture for me. He does more harm than good and he doesn’t actually stand for most of what he keeps saying he believes in.

This doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to change your mind. Everyone grows and changes. That’s fine. However, when a majority of your platform changes or you continue to blatantly disrespect people, that’s when it’s a problem in my book. You can’t say you want to “make America great again” and then act like a child whenever someone doesn’t share your views.

I guess my point that I’m trying to make is America doesn’t hate republicans (obviously). Americans (for the most part) are trying to make you understand that there is a problem. This man is a problem. He doesn’t have control over anything, and he is constantly going off about irrelevant things or things that he doesn’t fully understand. It’s not about liberals vs. republicans, democrats vs. republicans, or anyone vs, republicans. It’s about respect vs. disrespect, right vs. wrong, and sanity vs. insanity.

I really hope that there’s a day when people can sit down and discuss this without physically or verbally assaulting one another. Until then I will hope, pray, and continue to love.

 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 7, 2017

Yeah, I’m still here.

 

Sorry I disappeared into thin air. It’s been one of those months, but I’m pulling myself up. I can’t get any better or be of any help to anyone if I’m drowning in my own misery. Life keeps moving and I have to too.

Anyway, before I get off topic (I’m not even sure I have one tonight), I just wanted to make a post to let you all know I’m proud of you. You made it to a new day, you fought hard, and you held on. You may not have been social but you got out of bed, and you may have not have gotten out of bed but you woke up. I know it’s not easy and I know sometimes it feels easier to just quit. Don’t.

There’s a reason for everything and everyone has a purpose. It may take a while before you realize it or can come to terms with things, but trust me it all comes to make you better. Your skin gets tougher, you’re more understanding, you appreciate people more, you love harder, and you find that silver lining everyone keeps blabbing about. You find yourself.

So, congratulations and don’t stop now. Tell life that it can’t beat you down and that you’re capable of anything. If no one has told you today: you are special, you are loved, you are strong, and you matter. You matter so much.