Why is bleeding so much easier than talking? I’m sorry. Let me start this again. Hey guys. Why is bleeding so much easier than talking? Moments like these just make me want to give up. I need new glasses. This has been an obvious fact for I don’t know how long. Now I found a way to get some and my mother is pissed at me. She’s mad because of the way I asked her. Maybe I was a bitch about it, but if you had been asking for new glasses for the past two years you’d be a bitch too. Yeah, I know it still isn’t right but I’m just fed up. Whenever they need something they make time for it. When I need something there’s no time for it. Now that they need new glasses too there’s time to get new ones. Are you fucking kidding me?
If I go out by myself to get something I get yelled at for not going with them. I’m nineteen years old so I shouldn’t have to ask everytime I go out somewhere. I have no life so I’m not going to any parties, my boyfriend is all the way in Florida so I’m not going to have sex with anyone, and I have no interest in drugs. They know all of this and still don’t trust me. I can’t win and it pisses me off. So when I went up there for the glasses I said: “You know how I’ve been asking for new glasses for the past two years and we haven’t gotten them?” and she flipped her damn lid.
Well, excuse me while I sit here and don’t feel bad. I’m sick of having to take the back seat to everyone and everything. So whatever. Anyway. Today was a good day (besides that little incident). I hung out with my sister and we watched movies and had fun. I didn’t leave the house but there’s always tomorrow for that. Plus, there was Danny (boyfriend). He makes me laugh when I think it’s impossible. Today he was amazing and I’m really happy that he loves me. He was just there for me. I had a mini melt down last night and text him while he was asleep and today he spent it just trying to make me laugh and smile.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better. I’m just going to ignore everyone. Including my parents. That’s rude and whatever but I don’t feel like arguing so unless they actually need me not a word will spoken. Trust me I am looking into moving somewhere else. I love them but this isn’t working anymore. I’m just tired of it. Things will get better though. In time everything gets better. I just have to smile and figure out a way to make everything better.
I don’t think people understand how much it takes to be truly kind. It’s so easy to just push people away and decide to not like someone or to even hate them, but to love…truly love. People don’t get that. At least not anymore. It’s not easy to open yourself up to others and love unconditionally and to take risks. I honestly don’t think there’s anything harder. Why are people so afraid? Why is it that they’d rather spend so much time and effort on other things that don’t really matter than just do things that will help change the world? Help change people? People just quit.
I don’t want to be like that. I don’t know if that makes me brave or stupid. I know it means that I’ll get hurt a lot but I don’t care. I just want to help. If that means that I have to go through some hardships then fine. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. I just want things to get better. I’ve lost too many friends to suicide and I have too many friends who think that people just don’t care about them. This is a trend that should have never started and I want to help end it. What’s the point of all this (life) if we’re not doing anything positive? It’s all just a waste. These days almost everyone only cares about personal and gain and it just breaks my heart.
I just want to see people become better. I want to see this world become better. I just want better. I don’t know. That’s what’s on my mind. Thought I’d share it with you guys. Just like I share everything else. Anyway. Hey guys. Today was just there. Didn’t do much of anything. Went to the park and got on the swings. I listen to Metal while I’m on the swings. Is that weird? Oh, well. It’s not going to change anytime soon. That was the highlight of my day though. The swings. The swings make everything better.
I want to go back to last night. That was perfect, fun, alive. I never seem to do anything that makes me feel alive these days. Last night was a good…jolt? That’s probably not the right word. But it perfect none the less. I was happy. I was out with my parents and I was happy. That was the best part. Everyone looks at my family when we all go out and they think we’ve got it all together. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s much better than it was before and it took us a while to get to this place. We’ll probably ne ver be as happy as we could be but I’m comfortable with where we’re at now. At least I am anyway.
Today was just a thinking day. Thinking days aren’t so bad anymore. They’re quite helpful actually. They help me plan things out and plan my next step. I know everyone is thinking ‘well that’s what thinking is supposed to do Lyssa.’ Well, I don’t have thinking days like everyone else sassy pants. All in all today was a good day. I wish they’d stop screwing around the road in front of my house, but it was still a good day. Let’s see what wonders tomorrow brings, shall we?