It’s safe to say that I’m in over my head. I’m not really sure what’s what anymore. I mean I’d like to think I do but I’m possibly more confused now than I was before. People are so busy trying to tell me how to live my life that I’ve forgotten what I even want anymore. Writing makes me happy but writing what? What if I fall on my face? Isn’t the whole point just to do what makes you happy and at least try? That’s what I thought but according to everyone else it’s about what pays the most. I just want to wake up everyday and be happy. Be happy about the relationship I’m in, the life I live, and the work I do. The only thing I seem to be happy about is the relationship I’m in. I almost messed that up too. Luckily there’s a big difference between almost actually messing things up.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. I just don’t know what to do. Every step I make is wrong, everything I say is unheard, and every tear I cry is unseen. I know that I’m blessed with all I have and I take nothing for granted but I’m nineteen and people are still treating me like I’m nine. At this point I should at least be able to choose the life I want, go where I want, and love who I choose. Though the last part is my fault. I can stand up to my parents about anything but I’m scared out of my wits to tell them I have a boyfriend. That’s amazing. I take care of everyone, take care of house work, and can raise hell but when it comes to telling my parents about my boyfriend…that’s out of the question. Some great courage I have huh?
I just want everyone to realize that I am capable of making my own decisions. I shouldn’t have to scream and shout to get a point across but that’s all that seems to work these days. That’s probably why I’m so afraid about telling them I have a boyfriend. I don’t want the one of the happiest moments I’ve in a while to turn into a screaming match. Moving out will only make things worse and on top of that where the hell will I go? Something’s gotta give. At least that’s what I keep hearing. I keep losing people I care about and at this point it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Tears have just stopped coming and my thought process has become “Oh well. On to the next”. I’m pretty sure things aren’t suppose to go this way.
Things could always be worse. They have been. There’s always tomorrow. I just have to keep breathing and keep dancing. The sun will come out and one way or another all of this will be sorted out. I have to believe this or else I’ll never be happy. A little bit of faith and hope goes a long way. I still have my music, my boyfriend, and friends. That’s more than most.
Until next time,