Okay, so I know today isn’t the 23rd anymore but I haven’t gone to sleep yet and I didn’t post anything yesterday so as far I’m still concerned it is the 23rd. Also, in case you guys couldn’t tell this is like therapy for me so just bear with me please :). Now that is out-of-the-way hello everyone. Today was pretty awesome. Did some thinking today and ‘self-improvement’ and I’m realising I like to kid myself into thinking I’m happy and I need to stop. I need to deal with myself. The good and the bad. I guess that a part of me is afraid to because I’m really afraid that I’ll slip up, but how will I know if I’m making any real progress if I don’t deal with the bad?
Also, I put a lot on myself to make sure others are happy. I just can’t take people being upset. I’ve always been that person who is super happy about everything and can make others happy and now I’m trying to make sure that I stay that person and I’m just not dealing with things like I should. I just don’t know how to not be that person. I’m afraid to let people down and I’m afraid to let myself not be happy (if that makes any sense). It really gets aggravating being so damn afraid all the damn time. I just want to get over all this already. I know it’s going to take time cause I’ve dug myself into a horribly deep hole, but patience was never really my thing.
Lastly, all the anger. There’s a lot of rage and anger built up inside this body. Mainly because I don’t know how to talk to my parents. My mom gets overly emotional and is just bad at dealing with things and my dad doesn’t know what to do. He either gets really mad, really upset, or doesn’t say anything and that’s the worst. I’m getting better at talking to my sister because she understands it. We joke around about how messed up we are but in reality it scares the hell out of us. To be honest I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk to my parents about EVERYTHING, but I at least want to talk them about some things.
In time. That’s all I can say at this point. I’m still trying to work up the nerve to tell my parents that I have a boyfriend, but that won’t ever get easier mainly because I’m afraid of what they’ll do if they don’t approve of him. I have to tell them at some point though, and I will. I love him and they’ll have no choice really but to love him too or at least pretend they do. One day I’ll get a hang of this whole ‘growing up’ thing and it’ll be cool. Until then wish me luck. God knows I need it. “All it takes is faith and trust and a little bit of Pixie dust.” Where’s Tinker Bell when you need her?