Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

January 31, 2015

I think Switchfoot has become the soundtrack to my writing. I’m always in the mood to write when I’m listening to them and somehow all the thoughts in my head become clear to me. Today’s post is going to be something lighter or at least I think it is.

It’s very easy to get lost in my thoughts and everything that’s stressing me out and forget all of the amazing things that are happening in my life. Part of my problem is that it’s just so hard for me to let go of all the things that have hurt me and all the fear that stays locked up in my system. I want to let it go so bad but I think I’m just too…tired? I’m not sure how to explain it.

I’m tired of letting things go and forgiving people just to end up hurt all over again. I’ve finally learned that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let people back into your life but it doesn’t change much when that’s been your habit for the past eleven years. Tearing down everything that destroys you is hard but rebuilding yourself from the rubble is even harder.

Still, I want to just wake up one day and be okay. More okay than I am now. Maybe the trick is to just let it come to me. That’s how I finally found the happiness I had been searching so high and low for. The day I stopped looking for it is the day that I finally found it. However, I feel like letting things go isn’t as simple.

I feel like you can’t truly let something go until you’ve worked through it and have come to terms with it. That’s where I get stuck. I’ll start to work through something and I’ll get so wrapped up in how much it made me angry or how much it hurt me and I go and run from it again. I’m trying to find the healthy balance. The balance between accepting it and remembering enough to stay away from another crappy situation.

It seems I’m always looking for some balance. Balance and honesty are the two things that are so hard for me right now. You can’t have one without the other and I don’t seem to have much of either right now. You need balance to keep yourself as sane as possible and you’re making every possible judgement as fair as you can. You need honesty to make sure that you’re being fair about every situation you’re dealing with. At least that’s how I see it anyway.

I have hope though. Hope for myself and my future. I never thought I’d make it this far and I have. There’s no reason why I can’t move past this issue too. It’s all going to just take time and patience. I guess I need to work on that too. Not patience with others but with myself. I can’t keep getting down on myself when I don’t do something perfect or as quickly as I’d like to.

I’ve just got to try again and let it go.

Daisy let it go. Opened up your fist this fallen world doesn’t hold your interest, it doesn’t hold your soul. Daisy let it go”

Posted in Uncategorized

January 30, 2015

My best friend and I always seem have to deep talks at night. I feel like I can tell her anything and it’s one of the times I’m most honest. I guess my thing for this year is honesty cause I haven’t been honest with myself in a long time.

Why is it that some truths are harder to swallow than others? It’s not like we can erase the past or change things around but somethings are just harder to accept than others. My past is filled with so many nightmares and yet sometimes when I hear others talk to me about it I wanna tell them that it’s just not true because it’s so much easier to say that than to actually think about what actually happened.

As crappy as some of the things I’ve are that I’ve had to deal with I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s all shaped me into the person I am today; the good and the bad. Still, sometimes I just want to tear myself out of my skin and run until I’m someone new. Someone who doesn’t have to deal with the horrors and pain from what was. Sometimes I wish I could be who I am now without all of the things I had to deal with.

I can’t hide from the scars, I can’t erase the memories, and I can’t change my life to the fairy tale I’ve always wanted it to be. So, why can’t I just accept things as they are and let them shape me into something positive? I’ve been running for so long and I’m so tired, but it seems like no matter how hard I’ve tried to stop I just can’t. Sometimes I don’t think there will ever be a time when I just quit and accept things as they are. Other times I hope that, that day is just in reach. I can tell you one thing for certain: you will never do anything more tiring than trying to run from things that you can never change.

‘Euphoria’s gone. It’s time to move on. We can’t be the same old thing. I have to believe we can change’

Posted in Uncategorized

January 29, 2015

It’s 4:44am and I can’t sleep. Nothing new there. I figured I’d share my thoughts with you all if you don’t mind.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Switchfoot and there’s something about this amazing band that makes me be brutally honest with myself. There’s something very comforting in false happiness. You know it’s not real and whatever you’re running from isn’t far away at all but it still feels like you can hide from it in a way. Like whatever is dragging you down in life can’t find you if you paint a smile on a face.

But it always finds you.

For the most part I am honestly happy. The smile I’ve been wearing since my 21st birthday is very real and I never thought I would ever wear a real smile again, but as ‘Fatal Wound’ plays on repeat I have to be honest and say that these past few days I just haven’t been happy. The worst part is I can’t pinpoint what the exact problem is. I’ve been wearing myself with so much fear and doubt that I can’t remember what the real problem ever was. I’m so much stronger than I ever was before, but at the same time I also feel weaker than I ever have,

I woke up on my 21st birthday shocked and determined. Shocked because I never thought I’d make it this far. I thought I either would have killed myself or that I would have been in some stupid situation that would have gotten me killed because by the time I got to Middle School I honestly had no will to live and I didn’t care about what happened to me. With a lot of setbacks, prayers, real friends, and the love of a furry four legged friend I somehow made it through and started to see all the positives instead of the negatives. I am worth something and so is my life.

Which brings me to the determined part. I was determined to not let the rest of my life (or potential) go to waste. I was determined to finally get my act together and be a real adult. Go after my dreams instead finding some reason to put them off and finally be the person I wanted to be instead of the person everyone wanted me to be. I knew it was going to be scary and I was more than sure it was going to be difficult but there was no backing out. I couldn’t hide behind fear and anger anymore and I didn’t want to anymore.

Now here we are four months later and I live my friends in our little apartment and our two crazy cats, I’m going to release my very first book soon, and I have a new job to go along with my new outlook on life. I’m not expecting this book to have an major success and I’m banking on long family talks after it comes out. So, why on earth am I unhappy when I have every reason to be? Why am I scared when I’m prepared for what’s to come?

I have no problem with failing because I’m used to it. Maybe it’s because this is what I want? They always say your dreams aren’t big enough if you’re not scared. Well I’m damn near terrified. I don’t want to hurt anyone but the only way to be honest with myself and everyone else is to say what’s truly in my heart and my head. It could also be because this poem book is me being completely honest and talking about everything I went through and all the demons I had to fight to get to where I am now. If people don’t like the book I feel like it won’t just be them rejecting my writing but them rejecting me as a person.

It may seem silly because no matter what you do not everyone in this life is going to like you but this is the most honest I’ve ever been. What if this book doesn’t help anyone? All I’ve ever wanted to do with my writing is help others through whatever dark times they’re facing. I’m terrified that this book won’t help a soul. I’m terrified about being an adult I guess or maybe just failing completely at being one.

I’m mad for a number of reasons whether it’s for personal reasons or not but when you sum them all up they just seem small and insignificant and when I think about that it just makes me mad at myself. I get mad for other people. What sense does that make? If someone treats someone else bad I get ticked. That’s just how I am. It’s how I’ve always been. It could honestly be something so small as someone not saying ‘thank you’ to you when you hold the door open for them. I promise I’m not kidding. I just get offended for everything and everyone and my heart is at a constant tug-of-war. I’m torn between wanting to help the world be happy and filled with love and telling everyone to leave me alone because the human existence disgusts me. It seems so silly but it’s just how I function.

I am filled with love and anger. I’ve been trying to let love be the emotion that wins out but sometimes my anger just gets the best of me and I go off.

This may just seem like the ramblings of a sleep deprived 21 year old woman who has no clue about life but it’s all of me in the best way I can explain it. All I know is that there’s no turning back. I can’t go back to the person I was before. I never want to see her again. I just have to move forward and try my hardest. That’s all I can ever do I guess. I’m not afraid of falling. I’m afraid of not knowing how to get back up when I do cause I always messed up in the past.

Oh well, Here we go 2015. Lets see how this goes.

‘This is the real thing. No rubber bullets now’

xXrazors and bulletsXx

P.S. I’m back