I think Switchfoot has become the soundtrack to my writing. I’m always in the mood to write when I’m listening to them and somehow all the thoughts in my head become clear to me. Today’s post is going to be something lighter or at least I think it is.
It’s very easy to get lost in my thoughts and everything that’s stressing me out and forget all of the amazing things that are happening in my life. Part of my problem is that it’s just so hard for me to let go of all the things that have hurt me and all the fear that stays locked up in my system. I want to let it go so bad but I think I’m just too…tired? I’m not sure how to explain it.
I’m tired of letting things go and forgiving people just to end up hurt all over again. I’ve finally learned that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let people back into your life but it doesn’t change much when that’s been your habit for the past eleven years. Tearing down everything that destroys you is hard but rebuilding yourself from the rubble is even harder.
Still, I want to just wake up one day and be okay. More okay than I am now. Maybe the trick is to just let it come to me. That’s how I finally found the happiness I had been searching so high and low for. The day I stopped looking for it is the day that I finally found it. However, I feel like letting things go isn’t as simple.
I feel like you can’t truly let something go until you’ve worked through it and have come to terms with it. That’s where I get stuck. I’ll start to work through something and I’ll get so wrapped up in how much it made me angry or how much it hurt me and I go and run from it again. I’m trying to find the healthy balance. The balance between accepting it and remembering enough to stay away from another crappy situation.
It seems I’m always looking for some balance. Balance and honesty are the two things that are so hard for me right now. You can’t have one without the other and I don’t seem to have much of either right now. You need balance to keep yourself as sane as possible and you’re making every possible judgement as fair as you can. You need honesty to make sure that you’re being fair about every situation you’re dealing with. At least that’s how I see it anyway.
I have hope though. Hope for myself and my future. I never thought I’d make it this far and I have. There’s no reason why I can’t move past this issue too. It’s all going to just take time and patience. I guess I need to work on that too. Not patience with others but with myself. I can’t keep getting down on myself when I don’t do something perfect or as quickly as I’d like to.
I’ve just got to try again and let it go.
“ Daisy let it go. Opened up your fist this fallen world doesn’t hold your interest, it doesn’t hold your soul. Daisy let it go”