It’s 4:44am and I can’t sleep. Nothing new there. I figured I’d share my thoughts with you all if you don’t mind.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Switchfoot and there’s something about this amazing band that makes me be brutally honest with myself. There’s something very comforting in false happiness. You know it’s not real and whatever you’re running from isn’t far away at all but it still feels like you can hide from it in a way. Like whatever is dragging you down in life can’t find you if you paint a smile on a face.
But it always finds you.
For the most part I am honestly happy. The smile I’ve been wearing since my 21st birthday is very real and I never thought I would ever wear a real smile again, but as ‘Fatal Wound’ plays on repeat I have to be honest and say that these past few days I just haven’t been happy. The worst part is I can’t pinpoint what the exact problem is. I’ve been wearing myself with so much fear and doubt that I can’t remember what the real problem ever was. I’m so much stronger than I ever was before, but at the same time I also feel weaker than I ever have,
I woke up on my 21st birthday shocked and determined. Shocked because I never thought I’d make it this far. I thought I either would have killed myself or that I would have been in some stupid situation that would have gotten me killed because by the time I got to Middle School I honestly had no will to live and I didn’t care about what happened to me. With a lot of setbacks, prayers, real friends, and the love of a furry four legged friend I somehow made it through and started to see all the positives instead of the negatives. I am worth something and so is my life.
Which brings me to the determined part. I was determined to not let the rest of my life (or potential) go to waste. I was determined to finally get my act together and be a real adult. Go after my dreams instead finding some reason to put them off and finally be the person I wanted to be instead of the person everyone wanted me to be. I knew it was going to be scary and I was more than sure it was going to be difficult but there was no backing out. I couldn’t hide behind fear and anger anymore and I didn’t want to anymore.
Now here we are four months later and I live my friends in our little apartment and our two crazy cats, I’m going to release my very first book soon, and I have a new job to go along with my new outlook on life. I’m not expecting this book to have an major success and I’m banking on long family talks after it comes out. So, why on earth am I unhappy when I have every reason to be? Why am I scared when I’m prepared for what’s to come?
I have no problem with failing because I’m used to it. Maybe it’s because this is what I want? They always say your dreams aren’t big enough if you’re not scared. Well I’m damn near terrified. I don’t want to hurt anyone but the only way to be honest with myself and everyone else is to say what’s truly in my heart and my head. It could also be because this poem book is me being completely honest and talking about everything I went through and all the demons I had to fight to get to where I am now. If people don’t like the book I feel like it won’t just be them rejecting my writing but them rejecting me as a person.
It may seem silly because no matter what you do not everyone in this life is going to like you but this is the most honest I’ve ever been. What if this book doesn’t help anyone? All I’ve ever wanted to do with my writing is help others through whatever dark times they’re facing. I’m terrified that this book won’t help a soul. I’m terrified about being an adult I guess or maybe just failing completely at being one.
I’m mad for a number of reasons whether it’s for personal reasons or not but when you sum them all up they just seem small and insignificant and when I think about that it just makes me mad at myself. I get mad for other people. What sense does that make? If someone treats someone else bad I get ticked. That’s just how I am. It’s how I’ve always been. It could honestly be something so small as someone not saying ‘thank you’ to you when you hold the door open for them. I promise I’m not kidding. I just get offended for everything and everyone and my heart is at a constant tug-of-war. I’m torn between wanting to help the world be happy and filled with love and telling everyone to leave me alone because the human existence disgusts me. It seems so silly but it’s just how I function.
I am filled with love and anger. I’ve been trying to let love be the emotion that wins out but sometimes my anger just gets the best of me and I go off.
This may just seem like the ramblings of a sleep deprived 21 year old woman who has no clue about life but it’s all of me in the best way I can explain it. All I know is that there’s no turning back. I can’t go back to the person I was before. I never want to see her again. I just have to move forward and try my hardest. That’s all I can ever do I guess. I’m not afraid of falling. I’m afraid of not knowing how to get back up when I do cause I always messed up in the past.
Oh well, Here we go 2015. Lets see how this goes.
‘This is the real thing. No rubber bullets now’
xXrazors and bulletsXx
P.S. I’m back