Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

January 22, 2016

I used to hate the beach. I couldn’t stand it. Class trips to the beach used to drive me mad and I would be such a whiny brat. Now I’m 22 and it’s one of my favorite places to go. Even with this impending snow storm coming the only thing I can think about is when I’ll be on the beach again.

It’s my safe place and the place where I’m most honest with myself. I feel as if nothing can go wrong and that just for a little while the world is perfect. The beach is to me what Tiffany’s is to Holly Golightly. Something about sitting in the sand (or sometimes sitting on the rocks) and watching the ocean just calms me down like very few things can.

I wish I hadn’t hated it so much when I was a child. I wish I had pictures of me on the beach with friends smiling and laughing. Not looking like I had just been sentenced to death. I wish I hadn’t turned down those late night trips to the shore to go crazy and have fun. I wish I would have found this source of peace earlier rather than hating it just cause the sun was always on me and the fact that there were too many people for my comfort level.

I feel like so many things would be different now. I would be different now and feel more at ease when the waves come crashing in on my life. I say all of this about the beach because so far my 2016 is off to a rocky start. I’ve been more down than up and hurt in a way I didn’t think was possible. At these times the only thing that brought me back down were thoughts of the beach and actually being on the beach. This may sound stupid, but sometimes I feel like the beach is my only real friend because I can go there and be whoever and whatever I want and it will never judge me or throw it back in my face.

The ocean will never call me a failure, a whore, an idiot, fat, or a waste. It will only surround me with sand and hug me with waves. Anyway, I guess this long post is just my way of thanking the ocean for always being there and for understanding my silence when I couldn’t even understand it. I’m plenty sure I’ll be in need of its love again in the near future and it’ll be there waiting and accepting as always.

The sea, once it casts its spell, hold one in its net of wonder forever…

 

 

 

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Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

January 21, 2016 (here we go again)

It always seems that I start out each year determined to blog everyday then I get really sad and stressed and just stop. So, this is what I’ll say for 2016: I make no promises. I will try to blog as often as possible and that’s the best I can do.

I always expect the world of myself and put too much pressure on myself and nothing gets done, and I start to really hate myself.I’m 22. At some point this needs to stop or I’ll never make any real progress. It’s not like I make writing easy for myself.

I always make it a point to be 100% when I write and that’s not easy. I’d rather strip than let people in and know what’s going on with me, but I feel like if I don’t open up I can’t truly help anyone and that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do with my writing. Spread love, happiness, and hopefully shed some light for someone in a dark place.

So, 2016  is going to be the year I won’t set any actual goals other than to do my best and not be a lazy piece of shit.

 

So far this year is not off to a great start, but there’s still time to turn things around. I mean it is only January after all. I am not my mistakes or the scars that I carry from my past. I am beautiful, strong, passionate, and a mess. All of these things make me human and sometimes humans screw up. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m still learning to accept this fact, but I’d like to think that with every passing day I’m getting a little better at it. I’m still learning to love myself and grow, this journey is far from over.

 

So, buckle up and get ready for a world of adventure. I can promise you 2016 will be anything but boring!

 

Every breath is a second chance…