Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 31, 2016

Hey hello all. Yes, I am alive I’ve just been busy living and avoiding life all at once. Takes up a lot of free time.

So, I’ve decided to take a step back. I have a lot of personal things I need to work on before I’ll feel truly ready to live alone. I desperately want to, but I also don’t think rushing into something that I feel uneasy about is smart. That’s one of the quickest ways to fall on your face and fail.

While I support failing, learning from your mistakes, and trying again I don’t support it when it comes to renting an apartment, buying a car, or buying a house.

So, I’m gonna move back in with my parents for a while and try to help them while working on myself. It’s not going to be easy in the slightest and it’ll probably drive me up the wall most days, but it needs to happen. I have to start getting my shit together and I have to learn to be strong when times get extremely tough.

Like I said in my previous post. I am determined. Setbacks happen but at the end of the day they make us stronger. It’s gonna take some time, but it’s gonna work out. One way or another this mess will work out, and we’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 21, 2016

So far 2016 has been less than great for me. I’ve lost friends, lost myself, lost a job, and am dealing with major personal setbacks. To say 2016 sucks so far is an understatement. 

But (there always seems to be a but) I still have hope. Something inside me is extremely hopeful and won’t give up. I’m not happy with myself right, but I am also determined. I want to get better. I want to do better. I know I can do it and I will. It’s okay that I’ve failed. It comes with the adult territory. I know what I want now. I feel like I know what my purpose on this earth is. 

That helps a ton (trust me). Yes, the nights are still lonely and hard to get through. Sometimes sleep is a myth. Days are long and hard, but I get through them. There is always a tomorrow and I can finally see mine. The music heals, the friends help, and the faith (though most times lacking) guides my feet. It’s all one by one and step by step. I refuse to quit. I’ve come too far. 

I’m cheering for everyone this year. I hope you all reach the goals you want and achieve your dreams. I hope nothing stops you and that you can happy with you are and what you do. Shouting a massive “you got this!” to everyone, but for the first time I’m truly cheering for myself as well. 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 20, 2016

Hello and happy Friday!!

Since the last blog was for my “non-friends” I’d figure it’s only fair to dedicate blog to all my current friends. How you’ve stuck it out so long I’ll never know.

Friendship is not based on who has there the longest or given you the most stuff. Not who showed out on your birthday and not who was there for your best moments. While all of that is nice and sweet, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really amount to much.

To me it’s about balancing both the lows and the highs. If you throw in the towel after one fight it’s not much of a friendship. It’s not much of anything really. You’re going to fight and sometimes (especially if you’re best friend) they’re going to piss you off to no end.

It’s one thing if you try and try and just can’t reach a common ground anymore. These things happen and they suck, but it’s apart of growing up. However at least try. When two people love and care about each other they’re going to get into arguments. Welcome to life my friends.

A real friend has seen you at your lowest and still love you. Still stays and won’t throw it back in your face later in life (if they do they’re an asshole and you need to drop them). They support you in the good and let you know when you’re messing up. They help you when you can’t help yourself and push you when you’re slacking.

To all of my friends who have stuck it out with me and fought my demons with me: you are truly amazing. I think the world of you and love you to the stars and back. Thank you for all you’ve done, all you do, and all you’ll continue to do.

A friendship is pretty much the same thing as a relationship. Sometimes more important than one. If you’re lucky you get to marry your best friend. The best relationships come from the best friendships.

So, here’s to you. Here’s to your friendships and all the wonderful adventures they may take you on. I hope they’re always strong and last you a lifetime.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 18, 2016

I wanna start this one off by wishing Happy 26th Birthday to my #1 partner in crime! I love you sis and I hope you’re having the best day! 🎉🎂🍾

Sorry I was away for a few days. Had a mental relapse, but I’m alright for now. I’m gonna take it all day by day and I’ll see how it goes. 

This post is for all the friends that I no longer call friends. We’re all human so I know everyone will be able to relate. 

I don’t hate my “ex friends” and I’m not bitter towards them. For the times that we’ve spent together I’m truly grateful and please believe me when I say I cherished every moment. For whatever reason we fell apart (whether we just stopped talking or there was a major blow up) it sucks, but it happens. Some relationships don’t last forever and that’s cool.

For the longest time I would feel rejected or angry over lost friends and it was a waste of time. It takes up time you know you could be using doing something else and energy you know you’ll need for something else. This isn’t me saying suck it up and don’t be upset. That’s just impossible. 

Of course you’re gonna feel bad and of course it’s still gonna hurt. I still get upset (granted I get upset about a lot of things, but this is one of the things that’s worth my emotions) but I try not to let it effect my entire day, let alone week. It’s baggage and just not worth it. 

I encourage you this week to let go of all past grudges you might be holding. I would even go so far as to say reach out and make amends or at least let them know you don’t hold any grudges and are wishing them the best. You don’t have to go back to being friends, but you’ll have closure. It would be really good for both you and them. 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 15, 2016

It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to not know all the answers. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Sometimes shit just happens and you have to be okay with that. The more of a hard time you give yourself the harder you’re gonna make life on yourself. Life is already hard enough without you give yourself a hard time. 

I find that I need to be reminded of this at least three times a week (at most everyday of the week). You’ve gotta fall before you fly and you can’t be the best without failing. This applies to every part of life. Work, love, relationships, and everything that seems to fall in between. 

The more pressure you put on yourself the worse you’ll make all situations you have to go through. You’ve got to be patient with yourself. You give time to others and allow them to make mistakes so why not allow yourself the same courtesy? You can’t expect the world to treat you with kindness and respect if you don’t treat yourself that way. 

You can achieve your goals and you will get to where you want to be in life. You just have to give yourself time and a fair chance. For all the ups and downs you’re gonna have to suffer through just take it all in stride. 

I’ll leave you guys with this quote from Jamie Tworkowski: “If this world is too painful, stop and rest. It’s okay to stop and rest.” 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 14, 2016

Sorry for the delay y’all. I left my charger at my parents house so I’ve forced myself to be okay with making posts from my phone. Work with me here.

Why is it that we put ourselves through hell for people wouldn’t wak through fire for us? Why is it that we love people don’t deserve our love? It doesn’t matter if you love yourself or not. At some point most of us fall for someone who doesn’t deserve us at our best or worst. And that makes it suck more.

So, what do you do? How do you move on? Do you outright tell them? Do you hide your feelings? Do you ignore them? I’m afraid there’s no right answer. At least I haven’t found one yet. However, I do think it’s something that we all just have to go through. It gives us thicker skin and it helps us realize our worth. 

It helped me to realize that I should never settle and I should never let anyone make me feel like I should settle. I should always push for more because at the end of the day I will always go above and beyond for the people I love. 

You are valuable and worth more than empty promises and half ass attempts. You deserve the love of someone who would walk through fire for you. 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

A Letter To My Mother On Mother’s Day

I know I don’t make this easy.
I know we fight and have our issues.
I know that part of that is because I’m so stubborn and headstrong.
I know I can be a real brat.
I know that sometimes I really test your patience.
I know sometimes I make you feel like I don’t love you as much as I truly do.
I know

What you DON’T know is how much.
How much I truly love you.
How much I pray for you.
How badly I want you to have a better life and how hard I’ll always work to give you one.

Your strength is what drives me.
Your love is what keeps me warm.
Your faith is what keeps me going.
Your hard work is what isnpires me.

“Thank you for helping me sleep when I was 5 and also 25. Thank you for seeing the best in me when I was not my best, and could not see beyond my own pain…Thank you that your hope for me is no award and no achievement. Thank you that simply hope to see me smile. Thank you that you ask if I’m okay when you have a feeling that I’m not” –

The words in quote are not my own, but they reflect the words that I can’t find. Because thank you will never be enough.
I may not be able to give you the world, but I will never stop trying to.
I know it’s difficult and it never stops being difficult, but I also know that I couldn’t have made it this far in life without you.
“Your heart beats inside me and I count that as no small thing”
I love you, Mommy. Forever and ever to the ends of the earth and back.

Happy Mother’s Day from your youngest and craziest,

(Words in quotes belong to Jamie Tworkowski and are from the book If You Feel Too Much)

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 6, 2016 (Technically May 7, 2016)

For a long time I’ve been running from my mental illness(s). I’ve been thinking that if I run from it, it won’t exist. It’ll go away, but that’s not the case. It never goes away. It never disappears.

It’s something that I have to deal with everyday. Some days I win, and some days I’m not proud of myself. And that’s okay. It happens. It doesn’t make any less of a person. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone less of a person.

I’m starting to accept it and I’m learning to live with it. I think that was part of the problem with me. I kept trying to hide from who I am and what I deal with instead of just facing it head on, and that only made it worse. At the end of the day it held me back and I hurt so many people that never ever meant to. I hurt myself.

I made situations so much worse. To the people who thought I was pushing them away I am so, so sorry. To the people I treated with harsh words please know that it was just me running, and I’m so sorry (unless you were an asshole, then I’m not sorry and you deserved it) and it was nothing you did.

Each day I get better at this (or at least get better at dealing with it) and I will continue to try my hardest everyday. It’s going to be a long, hard, and crazy road but I’m ready for it. Don’t count me out just yet.

I lost sight of who I am and what I want. Now I have to tear down everything I am to become everything I want and that’s okay.Sometimes in life we fall down. We screw up and tend to drift away from what it is we really want in life and that’s fine. We have to go through these things to focus and achieve what we want and sometimes it helps to remind us why we fight so hard on this journey.

I will fight harder. I will do more. I will beat this. I have faith in myself and for now that’s enough. For all the ups and downs that I experience I’m still proud of myself. I’m twenty-two and will soon be twenty-three. I didn’t think, expect, or want to make it past sixteen. Every mistake I make is apart of who I am and it’s apart of my journey. I am not ashamed of who I am at all. From here on out I will own up to who I am and all the mistakes I make. Big and small. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 5, 2016

This week has indeed been the shittiest week I’ve had in a long time. Hit after hit kept coming to the point where I spent these past two days hiding under my blanket until 12 in the afternoon. It seemed a lot better than dealing with life. It always does. But I never stay down.

This post is a small start for me to get back on my feet. From here I’ll make steps to get my life back on track. This post is for me really. Just to show me that if I can do something so small as make this post, in time, I can do all the other things I’m reaching for in life. Set backs happen. Don’t let them define your life.