For a long time I’ve been running from my mental illness(s). I’ve been thinking that if I run from it, it won’t exist. It’ll go away, but that’s not the case. It never goes away. It never disappears.
It’s something that I have to deal with everyday. Some days I win, and some days I’m not proud of myself. And that’s okay. It happens. It doesn’t make any less of a person. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone less of a person.
I’m starting to accept it and I’m learning to live with it. I think that was part of the problem with me. I kept trying to hide from who I am and what I deal with instead of just facing it head on, and that only made it worse. At the end of the day it held me back and I hurt so many people that never ever meant to. I hurt myself.
I made situations so much worse. To the people who thought I was pushing them away I am so, so sorry. To the people I treated with harsh words please know that it was just me running, and I’m so sorry (unless you were an asshole, then I’m not sorry and you deserved it) and it was nothing you did.
Each day I get better at this (or at least get better at dealing with it) and I will continue to try my hardest everyday. It’s going to be a long, hard, and crazy road but I’m ready for it. Don’t count me out just yet.
I lost sight of who I am and what I want. Now I have to tear down everything I am to become everything I want and that’s okay.Sometimes in life we fall down. We screw up and tend to drift away from what it is we really want in life and that’s fine. We have to go through these things to focus and achieve what we want and sometimes it helps to remind us why we fight so hard on this journey.
I will fight harder. I will do more. I will beat this. I have faith in myself and for now that’s enough. For all the ups and downs that I experience I’m still proud of myself. I’m twenty-two and will soon be twenty-three. I didn’t think, expect, or want to make it past sixteen. Every mistake I make is apart of who I am and it’s apart of my journey. I am not ashamed of who I am at all. From here on out I will own up to who I am and all the mistakes I make. Big and small. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.