Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 27, 2016

This post is a thank you to person in particular. I should have made this long ago, but I’m dumb.

Six years and five months ago I became best friends with one the greatest people on this earth. She has never left my side even when I’ve given her more than enough reason to leave me. I don’t always treat her the best and for that I should be kicked in the head. She has always gone above and beyond without me even saying that I need help or that something is bothering me.

I’ve never had a problem getting along with people.However, I seem to have a problem with keeping them around. Sometimes its me and sometimes it’s not. I’ve learned to get over it and just accept it, because while I get along with people I’m not quick to call someone a friend. Let alone a best friend. So, when I do lose a friend it’s total chaos in my head and stays that way for a while. I go over detail in my head and try to figure out what exactly happened.

While this is going on I’m not exactly the most pleasant person to be around and I tend to snap or cry at a moment’s notice. She puts up with it. She puts up with me. My mood swings, my anxiety, my depression, my shitty attitude. She puts up with it all.When I’ getting out of line she is always there to bring me back down to size and put me in my place. Never judging and never angry. Sometimes firm but it always comes from a place of love.

She’s the kind of person people wish and pray to find all of their lives. She’s a rare gem.I don’t always give her the credit she deserves and I wish I could do more than write a post for her bragging about how great of a best friend she is. Right now it’s all I’ve got.

Thank you Karen. Thank you for always sticking by my side and supporting me even when no one else does. Thank you for being my strong tower when I’m weak. Thank you for loving me even when I’m less than deserving. Thank you for believing in me when I don’t believe in myself and never allowing me to give up.

You’ve shown me time and time again how strong I am and can be and you’ve always been the first in my corner. Today is nothing special and no crazy announcement will be coming your way via text after this is posted. I just wanted to let the world know that you’re an awesome person, my best friend, and someone I love to bits. I’m not going anywhere, buddy.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 26, 2016

Hello everyone. I finally have a new set of data and I’m back in the land of wi-fi so you’ll be getting more updates. Don’t cheer all at once please.

I think somewhere along the way I forgot what I was fighting for. What I truly believe in. My morals, beliefs, and understanding got all screwy. It’s big part of the reason I had to take a step back in life. I know it happens to everyone and it’s good that happened to me now while I’m young. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still suck.

I got so caught up in finally being on my own feeling free that I lost sight of what matters. Who matters. I let people influence my thoughts when I should have just kept listening to myself and stopped being smart. Don’t let that happen to you. If you’re on your way to being where you want in life and you’re happy keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.

I know I’ve been getting on my case a lot, but it’s because I need to. Now I’m back to feeling frustrated and like my head is going to pop 90 percent of the time. I have to work twice as hard to get back to where I was and to build up from there. It’s all going to be worth it, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I’m still going to mentally kick myself at least 20 times a day.

This post is mainly a cautionary tale of what not to do when trying to be a real adult. A public ‘shame on me’. It’s just been heavy on my mind lately and I thought I’d share with you all. Take it or leave it. I’ll give you guys something better at some point this week…hopefully.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 21, 2016

Believe in your art. Believe in what you do. Have faith in yourself even if no one else does. 

Writing is my passion and it’s my joy. I want to spend the rest of my life doing it and I want to help others with it. I may not be the best at it, but I’m working to be the best I can. Even on my worst days I can always count on writing to be there for me.

Success isn’t going to happen over night and yeah sometimes you’ll need a plan to fall back on. That doesn’t mean you quit. It’s going to get hard. It’s going to be frustrating. It will piss you the hell off and drive you crazy. That’s what it means to have a passion. To truly love something. 

You may not be able to do it full time, but a hobby is still something that’ll put a smile on your face. Who knows? Maybe later on in life you can pick it back up and it’ll take you to places you didn’t believe possible. Just don’t give up. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy and to be able to do what you love. 

I don’t want to stand on a soap box and tell you how to live your life. I just want you to know that someone is in your corner and someone is cheering for you. If it’s not hurting you or anyone else than you should go for it. Find your happiness. 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

Dear Daddy,

You have saved me from myself more times than I can count. Whether it’s from a broken heart or from me taking drastic measures because of a few bad months you have never left my side. 
You’ve always been there to hold my hand no matter how badly I screwed up and you’ve never been ashamed to tell anyone that I’m your daughter. You cheer louder than anyone I know and you’re always the first to congratulate me on anything.  

It was hard for me to write this because there are so many things I want to say, but I’m not sure how. I feel like I brag about you all the time, but none of what I say even scratches the surface. I don’t look up to many people, but I look up to you. You’re always trying to do what’s best and always put yourself last. You have no problem admitting that you’ve made mistakes in the past and when you’re wrong you’re always quick to apologize.
Whenever I need you you’re right there. No matter what time I call or why I’m calling you drop everything and answer the phone and talk with me until I feel better. You’ve never asked me for anything except to be happy and to never give up on myself and what I truly want. I am always proud of you and everything that you do. I know you don’t always think so or feel bad because you can’t do more, but you’ve done more than enough. 
You’re better than any superhero any comic book could ever dream of. Thank you. A million times over everyday for the rest of this life and to the next. A girl couldn’t ask for a better father. I love you so much.
Happy Father’s Day

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 12, 2016

Do people who continuously use and hurt others understand how much damage it truly does to another person? Do people honestly not get how tiring it is tear yourself apart to try and keep people upright and whole?

It takes so much out of you and it all just starts to feel like too much. You feel like in some way you’re failing them even though they’re the ones hurting you. Everyone (me included) always says to let go of people who hurt you. Let go of everything around you that’s toxic. It’s always easier said then done. Especially the more you care about someone.

You feel like if you let go then you’re betraying them or being selfish. So, you answer the 2 a.m. phone calls, have a heart attack when they don’t answer after a stressful night, light yourself on fire to light up their world, and put yourself through even if things are shitty for you at the time? Why? Because you love them.You love them and you truly believe that they’ll get past whatever it is.

But they don’t. They make excuses and keep doing whatever toxic thing is dragging them down which also drags you down because you spend all your time worrying and trying to help them. I’m not guilt free in this because I’ve done it before. Hell, there are times I still do it now. However, by now I know when I’m being hard headed and making bad choices and I keep to myself. Every once in a while when I decide to open my mouth about whatever issue it is I point out that I know it’s my fault and I just need to vent.

I am the maker of my own misery.

So, what do you do? How do you let go? Or at least distance yourself?

“Well, you just have to get tougher skin and let go. You have to take care of yourself first and leave others alone”

Once again, easier said than done.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 8, 2016

Heads up: this post is mainly me whining about how bored I am today. Granted most of my blogs can be considered as me complaining, but this is selfish complaining. Read on if’d you like and enjoy your day.

I hate not having a job to go to everyday. There’s a difference between having a day off and having continuous days off with nothing to do. Ah, the perks of an unexpected move backwards in life. I’m happy with the choice I made, but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I could plan ahead.

I’m trying to focus more on my writing, bettering myself, and focusing on a better future. But I hate this. I hate not being busy and not having a job to look forward to. I know it’s partially because I’m without a way to distract myself, but it’s also because I’m not a fan of sitting still. Ever. Yes, there’s working out but I want something more than that. Without a steady job going out is limited. There really is no trick for this thing called “growing up”.

You can never plan ahead. Never plan for life. You might think you are and you may try, but you can never tell. You can never plan ahead because it switches up so fast. I think that’s what adds to all the frustration. At least for me anyway. What’s the point of trying so hard? Why put forth all the effort if there’s a chance (a good chunk of chance at that) that it’s gonna blow up in your face?

But then again, what’s worse? Trying and everything blowing up in your face or not trying and doing nothing with yourself? So, I keep trying. I try and I try.Granted if I could make smarter choices my trying might work out a tad bit better. But still. I’ll keep planning, keep trying, and maybe one day I won’t have to start over again. I’ll reach where I want to be and won’t have to be so damn bored and antsy all the time.

 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 5, 2016

I am hard to love. I don’t mean to be and I try my hardest not to be, but I am. I have sharp edges and an even sharper tongue. It’s all a defense mechanism because letting down my walls means letting someone in and that’s something I’m just not good at anymore. Whether it’s friends or relationships I just suck at opening up.

This doesn’t mean I won’t it just means it takes some time. An extremely long time. I will make you jump through hoops and there are some days that I’m just gone. It’s just how I function at this point. It’s the only way I know how to. There are people I want to be friends with, but I can’t imagine them wanting to be friends with me.

There are guys that have made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and because I don’t think it would work out, or that they could ever feel the same I push them away. I call myself saving both sides trouble and heartache but in the end I’m just making myself miserable. The things people see in me I just can’t see in myself. It’s not that I don’t want to I just can’t. I do like myself and I’m getting a lot better at loving myself, but I see my flaws more than anyone or anything else and I can’t imagine someone wanting stay or deal.

I know I’m pretty but I’m no show stopper. I’m average looking and I’m fine with that. The problem is that I can always hear that voice in my head saying “why would someone settle for average when they can have someone beautiful?” and I retreat farther into myself and just hide because it’s easier. Also, I’m sick and tired of putting my all into everything and putting in effort for people who take it for granted. It used to hurt and now it just pisses me off to the utmost extent. If you have no intentions of staying around or not being loyal don’t waste my damn time.

All of these things together make me the hard boiled egg I am. I don’t like it and I’m working on it, but it’s going to take more time than I thought. Maybe not when it comes relationships because if I’m going to be the best damn girlfriend you’ve ever had you better prove to me that you’re worth it. When it comes to friends however…I’m trying. I promise.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 3, 2016

I refused to be ashamed of my body or to let someone put me down because of the clothes I wear.

It took me an extremely long time to be comfortable with my body. Now that I have lost the weight that I wanted in a healthy way and am proud of my body I’m going to wear clothes that make me happy. I’m not out here showing off my boobs and my butt. I’m wearing clothes that hug me the way I want and that I feel comfortable in. Especially during the summer.

I don’t understand why people are so caught up in telling others who to be, how to look, and what to wear, but it needs to stop.What makes you happy may not make someone else happy and it’s not up to you to judge them if it doesn’t. Why is everyone so happy to shame others who are happy with themselves? It’s extremely hard to get through this life and hateful comments make it harder.

Everyone is always talking about loving and supporting one another, but it seems that that only rings true until you’re jealous or someone does something you don’t approve of. If you’re serious about wanting change the world for the better then keep working towards that goal at all times. Not just when it’s convenient for you. It’s one thing if they’re hurting themselves or others, but if it doesn’t mess up or alter your life in any way leave them be.

I’m going to keep wearing clothes that make me feel good and if you have a problem with it that sucks for you. I like me the way I am and how I look. I’m done letting people dictate my emotions and trying to please everyone. I’m going to keep defending people who are constantly being put down for being comfortable in their own. Lastly, I’m going to keep defending those who are trying their hardest to find comfort in their own skin. Love you and the skin you’re in. As long as you do the words and actions can’t tear you down. They may hurt from time to time, but they’ll never tear you down.