I am hard to love. I don’t mean to be and I try my hardest not to be, but I am. I have sharp edges and an even sharper tongue. It’s all a defense mechanism because letting down my walls means letting someone in and that’s something I’m just not good at anymore. Whether it’s friends or relationships I just suck at opening up.
This doesn’t mean I won’t it just means it takes some time. An extremely long time. I will make you jump through hoops and there are some days that I’m just gone. It’s just how I function at this point. It’s the only way I know how to. There are people I want to be friends with, but I can’t imagine them wanting to be friends with me.
There are guys that have made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and because I don’t think it would work out, or that they could ever feel the same I push them away. I call myself saving both sides trouble and heartache but in the end I’m just making myself miserable. The things people see in me I just can’t see in myself. It’s not that I don’t want to I just can’t. I do like myself and I’m getting a lot better at loving myself, but I see my flaws more than anyone or anything else and I can’t imagine someone wanting stay or deal.
I know I’m pretty but I’m no show stopper. I’m average looking and I’m fine with that. The problem is that I can always hear that voice in my head saying “why would someone settle for average when they can have someone beautiful?” and I retreat farther into myself and just hide because it’s easier. Also, I’m sick and tired of putting my all into everything and putting in effort for people who take it for granted. It used to hurt and now it just pisses me off to the utmost extent. If you have no intentions of staying around or not being loyal don’t waste my damn time.
All of these things together make me the hard boiled egg I am. I don’t like it and I’m working on it, but it’s going to take more time than I thought. Maybe not when it comes relationships because if I’m going to be the best damn girlfriend you’ve ever had you better prove to me that you’re worth it. When it comes to friends however…I’m trying. I promise.