Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life

July 20, 2017

Hey all. I’m breathing.

Today’s post was supposed to be in honor of Chris Cornell since today is his 53rd birthday…but then Chester. 

I’ve been trying to find words for the both of them all day and I just can’t. It doesn’t make sense and it hurts so much. How are you supposed to feel when people who helped you fight your own demons, couldn’t defeat theirs?

I remember crying in my room to Linkin Park and just praying for a better tomorrow, but also being happy that there was someone out there who understood. When Mike and Chester rap and sang it felt like they knew my pain. They were relating to my problems and reaching out. Soundgarden was from the 90’s and we made their songs our own. Linkin Park’s songs were our song. They are our generation. 

Soundgarden let me know that I’m not the only person who struggles with day to day insecurities and anxieties and I’m not the only person who has those thoughts. They, along with Nirvana and Alice In Chains, introduced me to a world of people who find finally understood and accepted me. I could listen and sing along to those songs and feel normal. I didn’t feel like the freak that the outside world made me think I was. 

With Linkin Park Chester sang and screamed about everything that I was too afraid or ashamed to talk about. Middle School is hard enough on it’s own, but throw in family problems and the constant want to throw yourself out of something made it ten times harder. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone or that anyone, besides my favorite bands, would understand. Linkin Park understood and they talked me off that ledge. 

Slowly I started to open up and get help. I was able to help others. I was able to find a positive to dig myself out of the depression and anxiety holes I would get myself into. I became more hopeful and I wanted more out of life, I started to realize that my life doesn’t have to just be pain and tears. There’s beauty in everything and that I could experience all of it. No matter how dark it got, there would always come a day when the light would shine again. 

Then one day I woke up and one of those lights went out. No one knows why and no one understands and it felt like someone had taken all of the air out of my lungs. I cried and cried, but I remembered his words and his songs and I started to feel myself come back to life again. Then, just as the wound started to heal, another light went out. Just as unexpected as the first. He was there, he was happy, and he was performing. Then he just wasn’t. They went the same way and that’s what hurts all the more. The second passed away on the first’s birthday so that’s an even bigger double whammy. 

This is gonna take time and it’s always going to hurt. I won’t ever be able to say this to them, but hopefully they’ll be able to read this. Thank you. Thank you for being my voice when I didn’t have one. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face when it had been gone for months. Thank you giving me a second family and a place to call home. You both helped me put the blades down and pick the pen up. You helped me find a voice and believe in myself. I am going to miss you forever and you’ll always live in my heart. I love you forever and I’m going to keep trying my best and living my life to the fullest.

Rest with the angels Chris and Chester 💕