Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life

July 16, 2018

For some reason today, I feel extremely happy and pretty. I don’t know why, but I’m not bothered by it at all.

Since January, I have been cutting off and/or losing people, struggling with how I view myself, my mental health, and my weight. I’ve second guessed most of the choices I made, and have probably driven my friends and boyfriend crazy more times than they care to admit. It’s weird because I always find peace in the craziest times of my life. This summer has probably been the most up in the air one that I’ve had in a while, but it’s been my favorite by far.

I’ve finally had time to rest, work on me, and recharge. Granted, it hasn’t been ideal, but it’s been helpful none the less. I’ve been able to focus on the things I really want while actually having a chance to achieve it. I feel excited about life again; I feel optimistic. I haven’t felt this hopeful since my wonderful guy decided he likes wasting time with me as much as I like wasting time with him.

Who knows? I may wake up tomorrow and feel like total garbage. My highs are always as extreme as my lows. I may not even wanna get out of bed tomorrow. However, I’m not going to worry about that now. I don’t feel like it. I’ve got a bunch of new writing ideas and wonderful people in my life. I’m thankful for every good day that I get, no matter how few they are.

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Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

July 12, 2018

Today is no special day in particular.

It’s not the anniversary of the day you had to go away, and it’s not like anything majorly upsetting has happened. I just miss you a lot today, and the fact that I’m in a bad mood isn’t helping anything. I miss the innocence of those days, when I would come to your house and drive you crazy. Tricking you out of your room so I could watch your TV, because it was much bigger than mine, jumping in the pool during the summer, and staying in there until you made me get out. Most of all, I miss hearing you say “there’s grandpa’s baby!” whenever I would run in to your arms for a hug.

Sometimes, on days like today when the world is quiet enough, I can still hear you. I can hear your laugh. I can’t look at a toothpick and not think of you. I miss the dumb little arguments you and Nanny would get into about dinner, and I miss the way you’d fall asleep watching TV, but still wrap your arm around me when I got into the bed and snuggled up next to you.

Somewhere along the way, everything got fuzzy. We were always fighting and I couldn’t stand to be around you. There were yelling matches, hurt feelings, and tears. There were faults on both sides, and I’m so sorry. I was young and angry at everything and everyone.

You were old, stubborn, and stuck in your ways. I had things going on in my head that I couldn’t understand, and wouldn’t deal with. You thought I was ungrateful and ashamed of who I was.

I’m still angry that we couldn’t start resolving things until it was too late. You thought you were coming home, and I did too. The last time I saw you, you could barely speak but we told each other we love each other, and that always gives me comfort. No matter how bad our arguments got, I would always be ‘grandpa’s baby’ and you would always be ‘gampa’. 24 hours later you were gone, and at first it didn’t register. 14 hours later I couldn’t stop crying.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying about it, but I know you’re in a better place now. You’re no longer in pain, and you no longer have to complain that the grass isn’t cut. I know that you’re never too far from me, and that you’re watching over me. However, sometimes I really just need one of your tight hugs and to hear you say “there’s grandpa’s baby.”

I miss you and I love you so much, gampa. Please, keep looking out for us.

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Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

July 10, 2018

Another life update, buckle in.

So, today I decided that I wanted to try something new. Lately, it’s been harder and harder for me to think of things to write about. I either have nothing to say, or I have something to say and no idea how to say it. I decided to do some “travel” writing. I’m using quotes because I didn’t really travel, I hopped on a train to New York.

Anyway, I’m currently on my little trip, and I think this is the best thing I’ve thought of in a while. I feel inspired, I have ideas, I don’t feel like I’m saying the same things in a different way, I just feel recharged. I have energy and I’m excited. I’ve been feeling pretty low, and have been dragging my feet about a lot of things, but now I don’t know. Something inside me feels alive?

I don’t know if that’s the best way to say it, but I definitely feel better than I have in a while. I guess what I’m saying is that, you need to get out there. You need to experience the world outside your comfort zone. You don’t even need to go far, it only took me an hour. You just need to go some place new.

Next time I’ll probably do something closer to home, but I definitely wanna do something like this at least once or twice a month.

I know its super annoying seeing people say “everyone should travel!” and “your money will come back, your time won’t”, and you’re struggling to pay your bills on time. Take it from someone who is on a tight budget, you don’t have to go to another country. Hell, you don’t even have to go to another state. Just get out and try something new.

Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

July 8, 2018

Welcome to another edition of ‘I have no idea what I’m doing’.

This is just a little note (or reminder if you will) to give yourself a rest every once in a while. If you’re running on empty, and still trying to get things done, whatever you’re doing won’t be your best work. Then you’ll probably just be more pissed. That’s why this blog can be shit sometimes. I try to force out a thought that hasn’t fully formed just to have something to post, and it turns out to be garbage.

You can’t be creative all the time, and giving yourself a break is not a crime. You have to take care of yourself in order to be your best self. Sometimes you just need extra time, and there’s no problem with that either. Life is going to keep going whether you can keep up or not, so you might as well take your time.

If you’re feeling like taking a break makes you weaker than someone else, you’ve got it all wrong. Everyone works at their own pace, and just because they may be “ahead of you,” in no way does that mean they’re better than you. My point is: you can’t force production and/or creativity. It will come to you when the time is right. If that time isn’t instant, don’t beat yourself up, just keep active and wait till it finally feels right.

Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

July 6, 2018

Well, here goes.

So, I’ve been spending the past few weeks (as well as past few months) listening to ‘Told You So’ by Paramore. It’s the best way for me to explain where I’m currently at in life. Being optimistic and hopeful feels like it’s being done in vain, but I can’t find it in me to give up. Not yet anyway.

I’m dealing with people who thought their way was the best. I didn’t listen, and now I’m back at the beginning. And you know what? Maybe I should have listened to them, but I’m glad I didn’t. Will I be smarter the next time around? Yup. Will I listen to everyone else? Probably not.

Maybe I’m too stubborn for my own good, but I’m finally learning to stop trying to control everything. I didn’t learn how to let go, so that I could hand the reigns to someone else. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, or what life has in store for me, but for once I feel good about it. I’m starting this new chapter with a clean slate.
While it’s going to be full of crazy ups and downs, I’ve come to find that it’s never been something I can’t handle. There will definitely be days when my anxiety and depression tell me otherwise, but for now I’m in a good place and I’m excited to see what lies ahead.

Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

June 13, 2018

I’ve been putting off writing this one for a while, because mental health isn’t my favorite subject.

If you know me, you know that I don’t know that I don’t hide the fact that I deal with anxiety and depression. I try not to let it show, but it’s something I struggle with. I usually don’t say much about it, because I hate talking about it, but I feel like right now it’s something that needs to be discussed. I don’t hate talking about it because I’m ashamed of it, I hate talking about it because I hate dealing with it.

It’s not like it was years ago, when I was looking for a way out. It’s not like it was years ago, when I was too afraid to speak up about anything. Well, it is and it isn’t. At least now I fight back. I fight against the demons and voices saying it’s better to give up. I fight against the mentality that I’m a waste of space, and that no one wants me around. I fight against the feelings of not wanting to wake up anymore. I fight like hell to come out on the other side, and see better days.

However, I still have my days.

I still have days when getting out of bed feels like the toughest thing in the world. I still have days when I cower in the corner, because I’m thinking too hard about the 40 million things could go wrong, instead of the things that could go right. I over think most of the choices I make. I still have days when I lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry for no reason and find it extremely hard to breathe.  I still have days when I am incredibly sad for no reason.

No, I’m not cutting or burning my wrists anymore, but there are definitely days that I want to. No, I’ not taking 8-10 aspirin and hoping that I don’t wake up, but I have days where I feel like being run over by a car or train wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. Yes, I will defend myself in situations where people are blatantly screwing me over and being shitty, but I still spend the next 4 months thinking that it probably was my fault and I’m being too hard on the person.  Just because you’re better now than before, doesn’t mean that you’re ‘fixed’.

I always force myself to remember all the progress that I’ve made, and that if I had checked out when I wanted to, I would’ve missed out on so many of the wonderful people and things that I have in my life now. I am truly 100% grateful for every person I have in my life now, and I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. However, I also feel like a burden to them and that I’m weighing them down. I don’t want to tell them about my bad days, because I don’t want to bother them.

I also know that if I don’t tell them, they’ll be worried about me all day and I feel even worse. All of this to say that I have good days and bad days. My mental illness is very real, and I’m handling it the best that I can. I’m not ashamed of it, because it’s apart of who I am. That’s not to say that I don’t hate every minute of it. Why do I bring this up? Because too many people are ashamed of it, and too many people still think depression and anxiety are an excuse to not do or deal with anything.

For those of you struggling, you’re not alone and speak up. This isn’t something you have to do alone, and you shouldn’t have to. Always know that you’re not alone in the way that you feel, and there’s always help available. You don’t have to be brave and happy all the time. You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to not be okay. Anyone who makes you feel lesser, is someone who shouldn’t be in your life. You matter and you have a purpose. People need you here and they want you to stay. It’s a cliché, but just give it time. Give yourself time, get help, and fight like hell. You are someone’s reason to smile. Please don’t quit.

For those of you who put others down who struggle with mental illness, how the hell dare you? What right do you have? Because you don’t understand it, it isn’t real? You’re apart of the problem. You can’t blame everything on laziness. I stopped participating in school because I just couldn’t anymore. I would’ve loved to graduate with all my friend and NOT stay back a grade. However, everything felt like it was too much and I constantly felt the world caving in. I had no will to live, let alone do an assignment about molecules. Not everything can be solved by washing your damn face and drinking some tea. Sometimes people don’t want to go out and eat ice cream with friends.

Sometimes you just want to sit in your room and cry. Other times you just want to be left the hell alone. The simplest tasks seem impossible or just entirely too scary. You don’t get to belittle someone because you don’t get it. Get active and see how you can help. Sometimes just being there is enough. However, this idea that anxiety and depression aren’t real, needs to stop existing because they’re very much real. Mental illness is very much a real thing. Chris Cornell, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Chester Bennington, Marilyn Monroe, Don Cornelius, Phylis Hyman, and so many others. Everyone thought they “got better” or that they were “so happy”, because of their fame and money.

Mental Illness doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t matter your wealth or social status. Reach out, listen, and be understanding. We’re all fighting for a better tomorrow, and we can start by helping each other.

“And if you don’t believe that the sun will rise, stand alone and greet the coming night, in the last remaining light”

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

For texting, text Connect to 741741

Posted in blog, Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 1, 2018

I’m back. Took a little bit, but I’m back.

I really hate admitting that I miss people. I hate letting myself be vulnerable to that emotion. Letting that wall down and showing the softer side of myself, that I let VERY few people see. Even when I tell my boyfriend that I miss him, it goes something along the lines of “I really miss you, and it’s really fucking annoying”. If you miss someone or let someone know, it shows that they have a bit of your heart. They take up more space in it than you’re probably willing to admit. They’ve become apart of you.

I especially hate admitting that I miss people I’m no longer friends with. That’s probably the theme this year. Friends. (I don’t think this blog has ever had a theme, but for now it does.) I guess it’s because I’m getting older. I turn 25 this year and while I’m not old enough to write about my life’s great journey’s, I’ve been through a lot and have had my fair share of hardships. The older I get, the more I realize how much I rarely let anyone in. It’s safer that way. Hell, it took 6 years for me to decide that getting a boyfriend wouldn’t be suicide. I’m closed off to the world and I like it that way.

Maybe it is me. Maybe I push people away to see if they’ll really stick it out. I’m no day at the beach, and I can make shit complicated. Not on purpose, but I am human and I fuck up. However, I also have a high amount of patience, and if I cut you off, it’s on you. But back to that human flaw we all have. I still find myself thinking on times I’ve spent with them, and how much fun that was shared. I don’t ever miss ex-boyfriends, but I constantly find myself missing ex-friends. It’s complicated, but I guess it’s also not.

I often find myself wanting to reach out to them, seeing how they are, and hoping that the best things are happening for them. Do they have the dream job they wanted? Are they happy? Do they need support? Do they need a hug? All of these questions and so many more flood my brain, and I almost do it. I almost call or text them. I almost take the wall down and offer the olive branch. But then I remember. I remember the fight that took place to end the friendship.

I remember the tears, the feeling of emptiness and feeling alone, I remember feeling small and like I never mattered. I remember and I put the phone down. Then I get mad because I still miss them, and I shouldn’t. They probably aren’t thinking about me, they probably don’t care, and they’re probably doing just fine. I don’t need to pry open a door that was slammed shut. I put the wall back up and go on with my day, knowing that this moment will happen again at some point.

I make this post to say, don’t be like me. If you miss someone, let them know. Especially, if it keeps you up, or it’s constantly on your mind. Now, don’t get me wrong. They’re definitely those people who you need to shut out of your life for good. If they’ve done an unforgivable thing, keep that head up and keep it moving. I’m talking about the stupid fights. The fights that can be resolved if both sides would have cooler heads and hear each other out. A stupid fight is not worth missing out on someone who meant the world to you at one point. Not to be a total cliché, but life is too short. Make amends while you can, try to move on. At least try to have closure or reach a resolution. Maybe one day I’ll take my own damn advice, but as previously stated: I’m human and I fuck up sometimes.

Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 28, 2018

Hey, I’m still here and existing. Sorry about that delay in the program.It’s a little difficult for me to write this, because I’m not entirely sure what to say here. I feel like they’re a million things that need to be said, but where on earth do I begin? I stayed away for so long, for numerous reasons. Part of it being because I just couldn’t find the energy or desire to. I couldn’t find the desire to do anything for a while. My passion for the things that I love kinda just dulled out for a little bit. The fact that I was even going to work still amazes me.Another reason is that I’m just not sure what to say. They’re so many things that I want to write about and discuss, but where do I start? How do I begin? So much has happened between the real world and my own life that I was kind of at a crossroads. However, I think we should make this post personal and just work our way up from there, okay? Glad you agree.This past weekend I celebrated my 6 month anniversary with my amazing boyfriend. 6 months. 6 months ago I had been single for 6 years, and didn’t really want a boyfriend anymore. I still wanted certain things that came with having a boyfriend, but for all intents and purposes, I didn’t actually want a boyfriend. I had, had my heart-broken too many times to count, and I was content with watching all my friends being in their happy relationships. One day, someone was truly interested in me and all the nonsense that came with me, and I haven’t been happier.However, six years is a long time to be single, and I came to find that a lot of my friends had gotten use to not sharing me.I was told “well, you got a boyfriend so I stayed away” and “you’re never free to do anything anymore”. They were right. I never told anyone to stay away, they did that on their own. I’m not free to do anything last-minute, but I’m still able to hang out if you tell me in advance. At first I felt extremely guilty, like I had done something to shut people out, and this was all my fault. Then my best friend started to rearrange her schedule (slightly), so that me and her can still go out and hang out. She got that last minute plans were no longer going to work, so if she wanted me to go somewhere with me on the weekend, she would give me a heads up. Another one of my closest friends did the same thing.That’s when I realized, it’s not actually me. If I’m still answering texts and calls the same way, how can this be my fault?  If I’m still willing to move things around in my life to accommodate others, did I really change that much because I now have a boyfriend? It wasn’t on me, it was on them.My happiness was conflicting with their plans, and it was an inconvenience for them. Once my tiny brain figured this out, it only took 4 months, I started to separate myself from these people.  You can’t preach that you want someone to be happy, and then start complaining when they finally are, because it doesn’t fit with your schedule. Life happens, things change, and you learn to adjust.People like this aren’t actually interested in your happiness. They’re interested in what works best for them. You can’t let people like this in your life. You can’t let them control your happiness. You have to do what works best for you, and if you’re going down a healthy and positive path, pay no mind to the negativity. Life is full of crazy twists and turns, and if you find someone who will to take on all those twists and turns, that’s the one you should be with.This is not me saying that your happiness, whatever it may be, will last forever. This is me saying that, if you find something that makes your heart full of joy and your steps in life lighter, you should stay with that happiness as long as possible.That’s all for now, lets see if I can get better at this whole blogging thing.

Posted in Journal, Music

August 22, 2017

Hi y’all. Here we go. 

I was born September 5th, 1993. Kurt Cobain was still alive and grunge music was all the rage. I had no knowledge of drugs, alcoholism, rehab, anger, anxiety, and depression. All I knew was how smile, laugh, and occasionally poop.

Then came the pre-teen years. I felt a lot of things and all of them I couldn’t explain. I was constantly shy, pulling my hair out, and frustrated. I felt misunderstood and alone. I felt hurt. But oh how I tried. I tried to be happy, blend in, and pretend that nothing was bothering me. It didn’t matter all the hell I was dealing with at home; I was a Christian with a roof over my head and friends and family who loved me. 

Then I heard the song ‘Rooster’ by this band called Alice In Chains. I didn’t much understand the meaning of the lyrics, but I knew I liked the song and I wanted to hear it a lot. Then came Nirvana. Everything changed. 

It took a while before I heard Alice In Chains again, but when I did, it was ‘Down in a Hole’. I was older and the lyrics hit harder. I loved the singer, I loved the music, and I loved the song. I needed to hear more. Of course, no one in my family knew who they were. I brought up the song about a rooster that wouldn’t die, and they all thought I was talking about an immortal rooster. I was annoyed to say the least.

It took some time before I found about Layne. That not only was he an amazing singer and writer, but also a troubled soul. All the hell that he went through, and at the end of the day, all he wanted was to help people out of the darkness that he couldn’t get himself out of. 

Layne passed away on April 5, 2002. Eight years to the day after Kurt Cobain. Both of them were vocal about their struggles with their depression, drug use, and pain. They both were also vocal about trying to stop others from going down the same road they did.

I obviously didn’t know Layne personally, but I’ve seen the videos and heard the stories. He was a sweet man, had a big heart, hated Nazis, had compassion, and wanted to leave the world a little better than he left it. He would’ve been 50 today. Thank you Layne. Thank you for your sense of humor, your wise words, your art, and just letting us get to know you for the little time that we had with you.

I hope you’re with Mike, Kurt, Chris, and Andrew now. Resting easy and rocking out. You were my first piece of light in tunnel filled with darkness. You helped keep me on the straight and narrow when all I wanted to do was quit. The more I learn about you, the more I wish I would’ve gotten a chance to meet you and thank you in person. 

You will always live on in your lyrics, our hearts, and the many wonderful memories you created. 

Happy 50th Birthday, Mr. Man
“My bad habits aren’t my title. My strengths and my talents are my title” 

Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life

July 20, 2017

Hey all. I’m breathing.

Today’s post was supposed to be in honor of Chris Cornell since today is his 53rd birthday…but then Chester. 

I’ve been trying to find words for the both of them all day and I just can’t. It doesn’t make sense and it hurts so much. How are you supposed to feel when people who helped you fight your own demons, couldn’t defeat theirs?

I remember crying in my room to Linkin Park and just praying for a better tomorrow, but also being happy that there was someone out there who understood. When Mike and Chester rap and sang it felt like they knew my pain. They were relating to my problems and reaching out. Soundgarden was from the 90’s and we made their songs our own. Linkin Park’s songs were our song. They are our generation. 

Soundgarden let me know that I’m not the only person who struggles with day to day insecurities and anxieties and I’m not the only person who has those thoughts. They, along with Nirvana and Alice In Chains, introduced me to a world of people who find finally understood and accepted me. I could listen and sing along to those songs and feel normal. I didn’t feel like the freak that the outside world made me think I was. 

With Linkin Park Chester sang and screamed about everything that I was too afraid or ashamed to talk about. Middle School is hard enough on it’s own, but throw in family problems and the constant want to throw yourself out of something made it ten times harder. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone or that anyone, besides my favorite bands, would understand. Linkin Park understood and they talked me off that ledge. 

Slowly I started to open up and get help. I was able to help others. I was able to find a positive to dig myself out of the depression and anxiety holes I would get myself into. I became more hopeful and I wanted more out of life, I started to realize that my life doesn’t have to just be pain and tears. There’s beauty in everything and that I could experience all of it. No matter how dark it got, there would always come a day when the light would shine again. 

Then one day I woke up and one of those lights went out. No one knows why and no one understands and it felt like someone had taken all of the air out of my lungs. I cried and cried, but I remembered his words and his songs and I started to feel myself come back to life again. Then, just as the wound started to heal, another light went out. Just as unexpected as the first. He was there, he was happy, and he was performing. Then he just wasn’t. They went the same way and that’s what hurts all the more. The second passed away on the first’s birthday so that’s an even bigger double whammy. 

This is gonna take time and it’s always going to hurt. I won’t ever be able to say this to them, but hopefully they’ll be able to read this. Thank you. Thank you for being my voice when I didn’t have one. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face when it had been gone for months. Thank you giving me a second family and a place to call home. You both helped me put the blades down and pick the pen up. You helped me find a voice and believe in myself. I am going to miss you forever and you’ll always live in my heart. I love you forever and I’m going to keep trying my best and living my life to the fullest.

Rest with the angels Chris and Chester 💕