Posted in Journal, Music, Real Life

July 20, 2017

Hey all. I’m breathing.

Today’s post was supposed to be in honor of Chris Cornell since today is his 53rd birthday…but then Chester. 

I’ve been trying to find words for the both of them all day and I just can’t. It doesn’t make sense and it hurts so much. How are you supposed to feel when people who helped you fight your own demons, couldn’t defeat theirs?

I remember crying in my room to Linkin Park and just praying for a better tomorrow, but also being happy that there was someone out there who understood. When Mike and Chester rap and sang it felt like they knew my pain. They were relating to my problems and reaching out. Soundgarden was from the 90’s and we made their songs our own. Linkin Park’s songs were our song. They are our generation. 

Soundgarden let me know that I’m not the only person who struggles with day to day insecurities and anxieties and I’m not the only person who has those thoughts. They, along with Nirvana and Alice In Chains, introduced me to a world of people who find finally understood and accepted me. I could listen and sing along to those songs and feel normal. I didn’t feel like the freak that the outside world made me think I was. 

With Linkin Park Chester sang and screamed about everything that I was too afraid or ashamed to talk about. Middle School is hard enough on it’s own, but throw in family problems and the constant want to throw yourself out of something made it ten times harder. I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone or that anyone, besides my favorite bands, would understand. Linkin Park understood and they talked me off that ledge. 

Slowly I started to open up and get help. I was able to help others. I was able to find a positive to dig myself out of the depression and anxiety holes I would get myself into. I became more hopeful and I wanted more out of life, I started to realize that my life doesn’t have to just be pain and tears. There’s beauty in everything and that I could experience all of it. No matter how dark it got, there would always come a day when the light would shine again. 

Then one day I woke up and one of those lights went out. No one knows why and no one understands and it felt like someone had taken all of the air out of my lungs. I cried and cried, but I remembered his words and his songs and I started to feel myself come back to life again. Then, just as the wound started to heal, another light went out. Just as unexpected as the first. He was there, he was happy, and he was performing. Then he just wasn’t. They went the same way and that’s what hurts all the more. The second passed away on the first’s birthday so that’s an even bigger double whammy. 

This is gonna take time and it’s always going to hurt. I won’t ever be able to say this to them, but hopefully they’ll be able to read this. Thank you. Thank you for being my voice when I didn’t have one. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face when it had been gone for months. Thank you giving me a second family and a place to call home. You both helped me put the blades down and pick the pen up. You helped me find a voice and believe in myself. I am going to miss you forever and you’ll always live in my heart. I love you forever and I’m going to keep trying my best and living my life to the fullest.

Rest with the angels Chris and Chester 💕

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Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

May 1, 2017

I really was a lot better at this last year (posting regularly I mean).

I’m addicted to love and art, which I guess in a way are two of the same. I don’t think you can have one without the other. It seems impossible. No matter how dark and twisted they may seem, they are in one way or another beautiful. They open your heart and mind to different aspects of life and people. Whenever you meet or breakup with a person your views on everything change for the most part. The same with art. Whenever you listen to a new song, read a new book, or look a painting it touches some part of your soul. It may not be the happiest feeling but you look at things in a different way.

Maybe that’s why they’re my addiction. I love the light but can’t function without a bit of dark. Well, I could but life always has a different plan for me. They balance each other out and make the pain bearable. They make it worth while and mean something, and trust me you need the pain to mean something. Love is what keeps me going. It’s what makes me smile just as much as it makes me cry. I love with all that I have and I love to see people who are loved and in love. There’s no purer feeling and no better feeling (besides maybe a free cheeseburger and french fries from your favorite place).

The same with art. You can’t make art without passion. You won’t move a person if you don’t feel it. Whether a song takes me back to a dark time in my life or the best day of my life it takes me there. No money needed, no taxis or planes, and no hangover left afterwards. It’s like flying or being stabbed a million times (depending on which memory you’ve been taken to).

It’s helped me see the world (and all things in it) in a better light. It’s the energy that keeps me going and the force that drives me to do and want more. I have a bit of a spark left in me and I know that it can grow into a flame if I just keep working and trying. That spark is there because of all the art I see in people everyday and all the love that continues to flow from those I know and don’t know. Love and art are the most precious things that we have. Never take them for granted and might I suggest incorporating them in your everyday life? You may see a side of life and people who you never thought you could.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

April 11, 2017

Hey, remember me? Sometimes I post stuff on here. It’s been a while, but I’m finally back. This post is about myself and love. If neither of these things interest you, I suggest you keep scrolling.

I think my thing with love, or feelings in general, is that when I feel it I run with it 100%. Sometimes this causes me to be too forward, or sometimes if I feel like I’ll be too straight forward, I’ll withdraw myself. There’s no in-between and I usually screw myself over.

Which is probably why I don’t put as much effort in anymore and why I expect everything to fail. Because it always does. Guys either get too afraid or they think I’m not interested and at the end of the day I guess I can’t really blame them anymore, but at the same time I can. And maybe that’s why they stay away. When I’m hurt I try to stay away, but if you ask what’s wrong I go off. There’s no censor and I wouldn’t want there to be one even if I could manage it. I feel everything deeply and too much. It’s how I’ve always been.

Just because I’m telling you how I feel doesn’t mean I want you to say you feel the same. If you tell me you love me and don’t mean it, that’ll be ten times worse than me telling you I love you and saying you don’t love me back. I’d rather you just be up front. I’ll never ask you to do something you’re not ready for, and I never want you to say something you don’t mean. If you jump to that conclusion that’s your fault and I’ not sorry. When I care about you I will do anything for you, and when I love you I love you with all that I have.

I know I’m no walk in the park, but at the same end I’ll never ask for you to fix me. I just ask that you accept me as I am and to be patient with me as I work on myself. It’s a process and it’s tough, but it’s honest and that’s something I will always be. The only way I can think to end this post is to say that I’m not sorry, and while I’ trying to become better at everything, there are certain things that will just not change. I will continue to love and care with every inch of my being and, until someone gives me reason to believe otherwise, I will continue to believe that no one can handle that and eventually you’ll leave.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 23, 2017

Hello world.

This has been on my mind for quite some time and I think it’s finally time I post/talk about it.

I don’t hate republicans. I honestly don’t. I may not agree with a lot of what they stand for, but I also believe that there are those in the republican party who are fit to hold office.Just because you don’t believe in every aspect of a person doesn’t believe you can’t believe in some of what they stand for. I get it. I honestly do.

There’s the “American way” or just trying to make America economically stable again. I honestly do get it. However, Trump does not fit in to that picture for me. He does more harm than good and he doesn’t actually stand for most of what he keeps saying he believes in.

This doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to change your mind. Everyone grows and changes. That’s fine. However, when a majority of your platform changes or you continue to blatantly disrespect people, that’s when it’s a problem in my book. You can’t say you want to “make America great again” and then act like a child whenever someone doesn’t share your views.

I guess my point that I’m trying to make is America doesn’t hate republicans (obviously). Americans (for the most part) are trying to make you understand that there is a problem. This man is a problem. He doesn’t have control over anything, and he is constantly going off about irrelevant things or things that he doesn’t fully understand. It’s not about liberals vs. republicans, democrats vs. republicans, or anyone vs, republicans. It’s about respect vs. disrespect, right vs. wrong, and sanity vs. insanity.

I really hope that there’s a day when people can sit down and discuss this without physically or verbally assaulting one another. Until then I will hope, pray, and continue to love.

 

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

March 7, 2017

Yeah, I’m still here.

 

Sorry I disappeared into thin air. It’s been one of those months, but I’m pulling myself up. I can’t get any better or be of any help to anyone if I’m drowning in my own misery. Life keeps moving and I have to too.

Anyway, before I get off topic (I’m not even sure I have one tonight), I just wanted to make a post to let you all know I’m proud of you. You made it to a new day, you fought hard, and you held on. You may not have been social but you got out of bed, and you may have not have gotten out of bed but you woke up. I know it’s not easy and I know sometimes it feels easier to just quit. Don’t.

There’s a reason for everything and everyone has a purpose. It may take a while before you realize it or can come to terms with things, but trust me it all comes to make you better. Your skin gets tougher, you’re more understanding, you appreciate people more, you love harder, and you find that silver lining everyone keeps blabbing about. You find yourself.

So, congratulations and don’t stop now. Tell life that it can’t beat you down and that you’re capable of anything. If no one has told you today: you are special, you are loved, you are strong, and you matter. You matter so much.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

December 27, 2016

I hate getting to know people. I really do. I’d rather something much more pleasant, like watching paint dry or swallowing shards of glass.

It makes me uncomfortable and I’m so ready for people to leave. They always seem to leave and I hurt for months on end because I feel too much. Getting close to people and trusting them is extremely hard for me which is why most times I end up pushing people away.

However, I still do it. I still try to keep a conversation going and be supportive. I’ll apologize for being weird be there when you need me. Why? Because that’s life. There is no part of life that won’t hurt. For every feeling of joy there will be moments that hurt like hell. That’s the beauty of it all. That’s what makes it all worth while.

Without the pain you can’t truly appreciate all the amazing things that happen. You never learn and you never grow. You have to accept it all. That’s the part people don’t want to do. Accept it. It’s easier to run and to block all the bad stuff out. It’s easier to shut down and just keep to yourself. Trust me I know.

What’s the point in it though? You miss out on friendships. You miss out on love. You miss out on so many opportunities. Yes, you’re supposed to guard your heart, but you’re not supposed to close it off completely. I know, “easier said than done”, and please believe I still have my days.

But I’m still trying. As with everything, some days are good and others not so much. When you open up and start to accept things the way they are (all of it) that’s when you really open your heart and your eyes to life. Let yourself love more. Live more. Cry more. Embrace all of it. It’s worth it in the end.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

December 24, 2016

Merry Christmas Eve and Happy Holidays to all!

 

I hadn’t planned on making a post this weekend, but this just felt too important to not talk about.

I hear a lot of people saying that it doesn’t feel like Christmas to them, and the more I see or hear their reasoning as to why I think some have forgotten the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not measured by the snow on the ground, the presents under the tree, or the money in your bank account. It’s measured by the love in your heart.

The holiday season is a time to be around those you love and cherish the most. It’s a time to reflect on the year (both the good and the bad things that happened) and just be happy that you’ve made it this far. It doesn’t matter  if you have the latest gadgets or not. None of those things matter at the end of the day or at the end of your life for that matter.

The Christmas story is a story centered around love, joy, and hope. Baby Jesus really didn’t care about what he got for Christmas and you shouldn’t either. Whether you’re a Christian or not don’t let the commercials brain wash you.

For some the holidays are a difficult time because they’re alone and can’t be with the ones they love the most. Be thankful that you can still be surrounded by love and warmth. Take time this Christmas to hug the ones you love and to thank them. Even if it’s just for breathing. Spread love and give joy.

 

Happy Holidays Everyone

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

December 20, 2016

It’s about that time. That time that we do a little recap of another one of my man crazy years. This one is the apology.

For the most part I’ve apologized to everyone I stressed out, hurt, and/or drove crazy this year. The last one happened the other night and it honestly felt like a weight off of my shoulders, but if I missed anyone here goes: I am so terribly sorry.

This year was incredibly hard and I’m afraid that at times I didn’t handle it the best way. I slipped back into old ways or I just gave up all together. I would lie to myself and tell myself I wasn’t knowing good and damn well that I was. As always it’s just a stepping stone and a lesson to be learnt.

However, to everyone who drove themselves crazy worrying about me or tried to keep me in line I know it was no easy task. Trying to get through to me when I’m trapped inside my own head is no easy task and there were times that I was just too stubborn to listen, too ashamed to tell the truth, and too hurt to think of anyone else’s feelings. The fact that I put people through this hell and they still stick by me is nothing less than amazing.

Please believe me when I say I love you and you do mean the world to me. I just have rebuild myself and it hurts more than I could have ever expected. I’m trying though. I really am and I just need more time. I know I always seem to ask for it and sometimes it feels like we get nowhere, but trust me I say your patience, love, and understanding are what get me through the days and sometimes the months.

You are my rocks, my strong towers, and the best group of people that anyone could ever know. I love you, I’m sorry, and I’m working on me. Don’t give up on me just yet. K?

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

November 20, 2016

Hello bloggers of the world and all the rest of you who bother to read these.

It’s been a while but I’m back.

I try my hardest to be positive for other people. I may not always be the most optimistic person in the room, but I do what I can do keep those I care about happy. For whatever reason it seems impossible for me to be happy. Or at least it feels that way.

I am very aware that my problems compared to those of others are small and I need to just get over it, but sometimes I just can’t. I just fester on it and it ruins my day. It ruins me. I really do try to just get over it, but my mind doesn’t seem to find that fun. I’ve learned to accept it though.

I smile in public and cry in private. Which I used to hate, but now I’m happy about it. I love it. It quiets the self harming demons and it drowns out the self hate that I hear on a daily basis. I still become a recluse and talk to no one and do nothing, but trust me: I’ve been much, much, MUCH worse. I used to think embracing the tears made me weak, but now I see how strong it actually makes me. Accepting any type of painful emotion and/or situation sucks and it’s the worst. To be able to accept it and face it head on is one of the bravest things you can ever do.

The more you run from it, the more it wears you down and controls your life. Everything that happens in this life happens to make you stronger. It doesn’t always feel like it and sometimes you just want to die (I know I do from time to time), but after the storm ends and the clouds clear, you’re standing so much taller and you have a sense of calm. The calming feeling of “I thought it would kill me, but I’m still here. I fought back and I’m still here.”

Life is constantly throwing obstacles our way. The older we get the more obstacles we’ll get. This life is so beautiful though. Despite all the hell (no matter how often you go through it) those little moments of hope, happiness, joy, and love…those are the moments that make this crazy thing all worth while. Hearing your best friend laugh, getting a hug from your parents, the late night parties, seeing your favorite band live…those moments are what make this life amazing. You are so much stronger than  you know.

No matter how dark it gets, the sun will rise again. It may take some time, but the darker the night the brighter the stars shine.

Posted in Journal, Real Life, Uncategorized

November 10, 2016

I really did try to post this last night, but honestly I was so upset when I got home that I cried myself to sleep.

I’m already deeply terrified that Donald Trump is the president-elect. He spews hate and rhetoric and somehow people still saw fit for him to be the next President.He’s been accused by numerous women of sexual assault and people still looked the other way. He’s said outlandish even about his own party and no one still seems to be upset enough to say “okay, this is a problem”.

What has me even more afraid and upset than the blatant racist, homophobic, sexist people who took no time showing that they’re the same they’ve always been are the people who I once considered myself to and truly care about. You saying “I’m not racist I just didn’t want Hillary in office” or “you’re not even giving him a fair chance. You have nothing to worry about”makes you apart of the problem. I clearly do have something to worry about. The LGBT community clearly has something to worry about. Muslims and Mexicans clearly have something to worry about. You were so hell-bent on getting someone into office that wasn’t Hillary into office that you let hate win.

So now do I not only have to be terrified about being attacked because of the color of my skin, but also because of my gender. I’m not overreacting and I’m not being close minded. I’m living in the real world and since day one this man has done nothing but spread hate and lies. He has down right said that he doesn’t respect women. He has accused entire races of things just because of the actions of a select few. He’s seen violence break out at his own rallies and supported it. He’s made fun of people disorders. He’s condemned homosexuals. All in the open and apologetically. So, please don’t sit here and belittle people’s feelings when they have every right to be scared and upset.

You may choose to look the other way or leave because you have enough money, but for those of us who can’t or won’t because we shouldn’t have to leave OUR HOMES don’t you dare sit here and tell us to calm down. I cry because people pretty much said a woman’s voice and choice don’t matter. I cry because people are still thinking that they have a right to tell people who they can and can’t love and tell a woman what they can and can’t do with their body. I cry because people still can’t accept one another for all the differences that they have even that’s part of what is supposed to make this country so great.

 

I cry because if you look at all he does and say “I’m not a racist but…” “I’m not homophobic but…” “I’m not sexist but….” you’re standing by and letting hate win because the end of the day you’ll still be fine and as long as you’re okay you don’t seem to care about anyone else. That terrifies me and breaks my heart.

 

I will try to remain hopeful and positive. I will continue for those I love and what I believe in. Because I know that I can make a difference. I know that I can help and let someone know that they’re not alone. Their voice matters. They matter what. Their life matters. What they do matters. I will fight for those things until I no longer can. I will keep love in my heart for everyone because at the end of the day love trumps hate.